Residual Meany 4
by Queen Sydon
Summary: An insane parody of RE4. Contains coarse language, violence and bursts of unexplainable madness. Can Leon succeed in his mission? Does he give a F&Gk about it at all? Watch as the script goes out the window and it all goes down like never before.
1. They Speak Spanish?

_AN: Well, here's my first ever take on an RE humor fic. Hope you enjoy! _

Disclaimer: Resident Evil and all its affiliates are property of Capcom and not moi.

**Residual Meany 4 'The NEW one'**

**Chapter the first: They Speak Spanish!**

Leon was bored. In fact, there wasn't a word that could describe how bored he was. As he stared out the window at the passing fog and countless miles of uneventful scenery, he wondered why in god's name he hadn't brought SOMETHING to keep him occupied. To stave off the madness, Leon would fidget uncontrollably and shift in his seat non-stop. Occasionally he would try to sleep but being an overly macho hero type, Leon refused to wear a seatbelt. As a result, just as he was about to drift into sleepy world, a sudden jolt in the vehicle would send his head cracking into the passenger window.

The two Spanish cops would laugh hysterically at this, not noticing that Leon had opened a gash in his head and was passing out from blood loss.

At one point, the driver had put some sort of nonsensical Spanish crap on the radio. Leon actually didn't mind Latin music, but the garbage that bleated from the speakers in a constant stream of _la laa lo laa la lala _just drove him up the wall. To refrain from shooting himself, Leon asked the driver to change the station, who almost immediately refused. In fury, Leon stuck his foot out between the two drivers seats and smashed the radio into oblivion with the heel of his powerful boot.

A long argument ensued until the drivers decided to make Leon feel bad by not talking to him for the rest of the trip. Leon was fine with this. He just sat in the back and pouted to himself in endless mumbles and sniffs.

When the car finally ground to halt after crossing a rickety bridge, Leon hopped out and made his way into the misty fog in front of him, but not before stretching dramatically.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa….FUCK!" He yelled.

One of the cops stuck his head out the window of the car. "Did you say something?"

Leon glared at him. "Oh ho, so now we're talking again are we? I thought you were mad at me."

The cop blinked, at a loss of words, then he just grumbled and winded the window up.

"Idiots…" Leon muttered and proceeded with his mission.

He made to continue walking but a certain thought invaded his mind. Just what _was _his mission to begin with? Leon got into a thinking pose and pondered hard. Something about the president? A rescue mission involving his daughter Ashley...something like that. Then he snapped his fingers, finally figuring out what he was doing there in the first place. He was there to rescue the president from the US government and return him to his daughter who lived in a desolate part of Europe. Yeah that had to be it. Leon's memory rarely failed him anyway. After all, he was, as he liked to call himself, the best mankind had to offer in looks and cheesy dialogue.

After a few seconds of walking, Leon whipped out his pistol for no apparent reason and proceeded to a dilapidated house resting in front of him.

Unbeknownst to Leon, however, the camera had panned into a view inside the house, showing the shadow of someone watching him from the window. The male figure makes to ominously leave the camera angle but ends up smashing his face into the lens and cracking it and his skull in equal measures.

Leon stops in front of the house when a string of Spanish curses roars out from inside. "LA PUTA QUE LO PARIO MALDITO!" (Damn Fucking Bitch!)

He shrugs and steps up onto the balcony to enter the house without permission. However, an object catches his eyes and almost makes him cream his pants right there and then.

It was a window…a peerless glass window with perfect half inch pinewood panelling.

"Oh…my…GOD!" He drooled and without a further moments pause, took a running leap and smashed right through it spectacularly. Shards of glass rained down all around him as he rolled to a perfect stop inside the musty interiors of the cottage.

He could never help it. An addiction, it was. Ever since back in third grade, he had taken pride in his unbelievable window jumping. What was more amazing was the fact that none of these jumps netted him even the smallest of cuts. On a side note, Leon Kennedy's enrolment into the school saw the bill of window repairs rise to about four-hundred times the original quota.

Amused that his abilities hadn't faltered over the years, Leon wipes the glass clean from his kickass brown leather jacket and struts onwards into the cottage without even the slightest inkling that he just might not be welcome there.

Turning a corner, he spots some dishevelled looking guy over by a lively fireplace. The guy has his back to him and is busy poking the flames whilst he giggled in such a manner that resembled Santa Claus having an orgasm.

Leon didn't bother to make his presence known. Instead, he waltzes right up to the guy and slaps him sharply on the back of the head.

"Oi, I'm looking for someone!" Leon almost screams at him. The guy whirls around, confused, and stares at him indifferently. Leon removes a photo from his back pocket and shoves it in the guy's face. "Do you recognize the person in this photograph?"

The guy stares at the photo for a moment. On it was a scene depicting a rather 'intimate' scenario involving Leon and the president's 23-year-old wife.

"Unh." He grunts in response and points at Leon.

Leon smirks and shakes his head in pity. "Well it seems I'm wasting my fucking time." With that, he turned on his heel and left to look for another window to exit by. What he didn't see was the guy reach for something from beside the fireplace and stalk over to him. In reflex, Leon whips around to see the guy swinging a rusty axe right at his head in a furious swipe.

"FUCK!" He roars and rolls away, whipping up his pistol at the assailant in the process. Without hesitation, he fires a shot right between the guy's eyebrows. The round connects in a gout of thick blood and even more Spanish swearing. It wasn't the effect Leon had hoped for, as normally the hundreds if not thousands of times he had done that previously would consequence in the instantaneous death of his target. Which is why he was surprised that the Spanish guy persisted in flailing about madly whilst he held a hand to the bloody bullet wound to the head.

"Jesus!" Leon chuckled. "Maybe it would've been better if you died from that."

The Spanish guy quit his pussy wailing and threw his axe at Leon. The sharp object cut through the air and missed woefully. So badly, in fact, that somehow the axe happened to lodge firmly into the back of the Spanish guy's head. After a final sigh of resignation, the guy toppled to the floor and fell silent.

Before Leon could start dancing over his victory, several more shouts and the roaring of a truck engine could be heard from outside. After stealing the guy's wallet, Leon stepped over the body and ran upstairs, ignoring the handgun rounds and jumping out of the window up there. He sailed through the air but happened to forget he had jumped from two-storey's up. He landed on the dusty road painfully and came to a stop, face down and groaning. Soon after, the truck meant to ram the two cops further down, rumbled over Leon's prone body, drowning out his girlish shrieks of protest.

The Ganado's that had previously been ordered to attack the agent from outside the cottage stared at the mangled body of the American. His arms and legs were twisted at grimacing angles, almost representing the most lethal Karma Sutra technique in history: 'The Breakeverythingthus for sexus'.

With their original meaning gone, the Ganado's sat themselves down in a circle and began playing Las Plagas Poker, ignoring Leon's corpse.

After a few minutes, Leon managed to stand himself up, albeit on his good leg; his other limbs all pointed at impossible angles. With a series of seethingly painful cracks, he finally popped his bones back into place.

The three Ganado's playing poker nearby ignored him still. Two of them were cheering and pulling large mounds of gold coins towards them as the other sobbed miserably.

Leon chose not to bother with them and went on his merry way.

Meanwhile, back at the car, the two cops had begun listening to a techno remix of the crap song from before. They jumped up and down in their seats to the rhythm, screaming and high-fiving one another at random intervals. Which was why they didn't notice the beat-up old truck careering right towards them at speed.

The truck smashed into the front bonnet of the car and sent both of them tumbling down the sheer cliff and smashing spectacularly into the river below. A large explosion took place in the ravine but the crap music continued, as did the idiotic behaviour of the two mangled cops.

"YEAAAAAH, MAN! THIS BEAT'S A-PUMPING!" One of the cops yelled, his head jammed beneath the dashboard in a very painful manner.

The other danced in his seat, whipping his head side-to-side and playing imaginary drums with his literally flaming hands. "DON'T STOP THE BEAT! DON'T STOP THE…..FUCK I'M ON FIRE!"

His colleague, not interpreting the statement properly just screamed: 'YEAHHHHHH, BOI!"

Seconds later, a pair of Ganado's drift by on a boat to see the flaming car swinging back and forth on its roof. From within, they can hear one of the cops yelling: "YEAH, DO IT! DON'T STOP!"

The Ganado's exchange horrified glances before rowing away very _very _quickly.

TO BE CONTINUED

_AN: Yeah, hope you liked. Please review!_


	2. The Happy Happy Pueblo

_AN: Special thanks to AnimaSola, judodave, The fuckface of dislexia, Sara A. Wesker, Ivorychik08 and Captain Shane Schofield (Scarecrow!) for their awesome reviews. I just hope I don't ruin the story with this next chapter. Either way, have fun!_

Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil or any of its affiliates. They are the rightful property of Capcom and not me. Insert humorous dialogue here.

**Residual Meany 4**

_Chapter the Second: __"The Happy Happy __Pueblo__"_

The beautiful morning fog surrounded the joyful scene of the Happy Happy Pueblo. Random Ganado's went about their daily chores with more enthusiasm than normal. They laughed, joked and spent their breaks together as family. A few birds flew by, chirping in a singsong fashion as the sound of a guitar enriches the air with its Spanish melody. In short, it was a happy place.

Until…

Leon stalked calmly through the underbrush, his eyes full of deadly malice. He whipped out his trusty binocs and went about his voyeurism of the village ahead of him. At first it was just sexual curiosity until he spotted a gruesome site.

"Holy shit…" He keyed his radio for the first time. "Hunnigan! These people they…oh man I feel so sick…" He threw up explosively over his trousers. The little screen depicting his face on the radio screen became engulfed in the cloying substance.

Hunnigan screwed up her face in absolute disgust. "Ewww! Anyway, since the author didn't feel the need to introduce me before, I'll start now. I'm Ingrid Hunnigan, your mission advisor and overall female appeal for now until I get completely overshadowed by someone who actually features in the game instead of giving out useless advice with just a face on a stupid little screen."

Leon stared at her, not bothering to wipe the vomit chunks off his chin. "You're silly. You're VERY VERY silly!" Then he hung up.

Leon went back to gazing at the most despicable sight he had ever laid eyes upon. There was a woman over by a barn who was doing something very suggestive to one of the cows. What was worse, she seemed to be _collecting _it in a bucket for some ungodly purpose. Trying not to throw up again, Leon comes across another sickening sight. A bunch of graffiti on one of the walls of a shack read: **RE4 FOR TEH XBOX.**

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Leon shrieks and charges into the village. A few Ganado's stop their work to stare at him a bit, one in particular muttering: "Qien caraho es el?" (Who the fuck is he?)

Leon stops in front of the confused villagers. "You people are sick!" He waves his arms frantically, and then he points to the woman milking a cow. "AND WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING TO THAT POOR ANIMAL!"

Suddenly, the creepy voice of a fake-accented Spanish guy echoes out from unseen speakers in the pueblo (It's Saddler)

"Attention town center number 17. This is your almighty god Saddler speaking-"

The Ganado's surrounding Leon immediately drop to their knees in total obedience. They moan in some strange dialect and yell out random things like: "Dios esta aqui! (God is here!) Te amo! (I love you!) SAAAAAADLEEEEEERRRR!"

A few of the crazed crowd fall to the floor in hysteria and resume to shake uncontrollably whilst calling out Saddler's name.

Leon raises an eyebrow. _This is fucked up_

Saddler's voice continues: "I have brought forward a new command to you, my oh-so-faithful slaves. From here on in, you are to attack any outsiders immediately. That includes anyone not infected with Las Plagas and former characters in Resident Evil 2. Good day people."

The transmission cuts out abruptly and the Ganado's regain their senses. They all turn to stare at Leon whose bottom lip is trembling and a dark moist patch streaking down his left pants' leg.

The Ganado's all scream at once, pulling a shitload of random weaponry out and charging at the hapless idiot.

X

Leon slams the door of the cabin shut behind him just as a plethora of axes, sickles and kittens slam into it. He can hear the Ganado's screams of murderous fury from outside. From a little slit in the wall, he can see them planning to storm his abode.

"They're planning something…" Leon mutters as he watches them run about carrying ladders and wheelbarrows full of bricks and cement. "Hmm, it looks like they're gonna blitz this place by climbing up those ladders or something."

Then, without warning, all the commotion from outside stops. Leon peeks out his little alcove but can't see any of them. A girlish scream escapes his lips when a calm knock comes on the door. Leon panics. Should he answer it? Maybe it was a trap? How was he gonna clean his pants?

Whatever the case, Leon clears his throat and asks: "Who is it?"

Hushed whispers. Then a hoarse male voice. "Can I come in? I'm a uhh, defenseless young woman on the pinnacle of my sexual awareness."

Without pause, Leon flung the door open and was instantly grabbed roughly by dozens of hands and hurled outside into the middle of the village. Leon gets back to his feet and sees that the Ganado's have him totally surrounded in a ring of death. But they weren't attacking…

"What the hell is this!" Leon yells at them; spinning on the spot. They continue to stare at him emotionlessly, until a guy who looked just like the first Ganado that killed himself in the first chapter, stepped forward and glared at him.

"Estas preparado, hijo de puta!" (Are you ready, you sonofabitch!) He yelled, pointing an accusing finger.

Leon just stared back at him, confused, then happy, then confused again, then pissed his pants once more. On a strange note, Leon noticed that of the thirty villagers surrounding him, there were only a few variations in their appearance. Indeed, in front of him happened to be one of the older, grey haired villagers seething at him, with two identical twins standing at both of his sides.

"Rrright…this is retarded. Why do so many of you religious pricks look the same?" Leon muttered.

The villager ignored his question (Or didn't understand) and clapped his hands twice. Then, all the villagers started cheering a certain name before parting in a straight line in front of Leon.

"SALVADOR! SALVADOR! SALVADOR!" They chanted.

Leon tensed as the group continued to part sideways to reveal whomever this 'Salvador' was.

With a last roaring "HURRAH!" their hero was revealed…

…to be lying face flat on the muddy floor, unmoving.

Everyone including Leon stared at the corpse. One of the villagers went up to the supposed Salvador, checked his pulse, and then shook his head sadly to the others.

For a moment, nobody said anything. Leon still stood amongst them, wondering whether the plastic bag tied to Salvador's head had been the cause of his embarrassing death..

Hours passed when one of the women ran to the corpse of Salvador and pulled off the white plastic bag covering his head. She then cut two eyeholes in the bag and jammed it onto one of the random villagers standing around. They cheered again as the bag-wearing Ganado was handed a chainsaw and broke into a frenzied run towards Leon.

"gggrOAAAAHHHHH!" He bellowed.

Leon pulled his handgun out and fired a single shot into the guy's head. The round hit its mark perfectly but the lunatic continued to charge at him!

"HOLY F-" Leon yelled and ducked under the new Salvador's chainsaw as it buzzed right over his head. Leon rolled away safely only to look up again to see Salvador right there; his insane eyes boring into the cowering form of Leon on his knees.

There was nothing he could do to dodge the blow, and the bag on Salvador's head gave him much more health than normal. Unless…

To the shock of the crowd, Leon hopped to his feet and ripped the bag from Salvador's head! Almost instantly, the now bag-less Ganado covered his face with his hands and shrieked wildly. Of course, maybe it would've been better to have _dropped _a running chainsaw before doing this, as the former Salvador found out by shearing half his head off.

The villagers went berserk at such sacrilege and charged at Leon from every side, intent on depleting his meager health gauge in two-three hits. But before any of them did this, a distant church bell started ringing in the background. This had the effect of making all of the villagers turn towards the sound, transfixed.

"Ah, la campana." (Ah, the bell)

"Es hora de regresar." (It's time to return)

"Tenemos que irnos." (We have to go now)

"Porque sonamos como locos?" (Why do we sound like retards?)

Leon watched them all march like zombies towards a large iron door, dropping their weapons and bowels as they did so. When they were gone, Leon thought it best to crack out one of his famous quotes. He cleared his throat and posed to where the camera would've been positioned if he knew of its existence.

"Where's everybody going, banjo?" He said to himself. None of the farm animals were impressed. One of the chickens shook its head sadly.

One thing that Leon was unaware of, was that his respect points in the world of gaming had suddenly taken a tragic nosedive.

TO BE CONTINUED

(Filler section) Interviews with the stars of RE4.

_The scene is a typical late night talk show with two occupied comfy red armchairs with a backdrop of __New York City__ in the background. A crowd applause. One of the two people sitting down is none other than __Leon__, looking quite smug and winking at the many fangirls in the audience. They laugh, giggle and faint dramatically when he does this. The person in the other chair is the host of the show, a young woman whose description I leave to your imagination._

"Well, Leon…" The hostess began. "That concludes another chapter of your adventure. Tell me, how do you think it turned out?"

Leon smirks and crosses his legs slowly, then repeats the process three times before answering.

"As long as I'm in it, baby, this thang aint neva gonna lose its style."

The hostess nods. "I see, but don't you think that line you said after the initial village attack was kind of…"

Leon glares acidly at her. "Kind of…what?"

The hostess gulps under his withering gaze but she takes the leap.

"Well…gay."

Leon recoils in shock. "How can you say such things! Do you know how long I had to work to emotionally torture the script writer to make me look as cool as possible?"

"Well, no. Aside from that, you pissed yourself on a number of occasions and vomited at the sight of a woman milking a cow."

Leon stares at her. "Is that what you people call it? _Milking!_ If that's the case, I _milked_ myself every four hours I was at high school!" He then folded his arms and smiled at the hostess, proud of his comeback.

She scrunched her face up and forced a smile at the camera. "We'll be right back…"

_The lights dim and the crowd screams in applause._

X

_AN: There you go. I hope it at least amused you in some way. Please don't flame me or anything. Reviews would make me a helluva lot happier!_


	3. The Boulder that was never There

_AN: Sorry for the delay. My work hours have been steadily rising and along with my studies it hasn't given me much spare time to continue this. Anyway, let's continue this crap shall we?_

_Allright, review reply time:_

_Random Person: Thanks so much for that! I haven't read many other RE4 parodies so I don't really know what level mine is at. Still, appreciate the review._

_Raitokage: Yeah, it was supposed to be Banjo. Leon's so stupid that he even says a bad line the wrong way. Thanks for the review._

_Kerriane Harrington: Glad you found this amusing. I'll try to keep it that way, ne?_

_Captain Shane Schofield: Yeah, I found that line pretty funny too. It's also good to know another fan of the Scarecrow series. _

_IvoryChik08: Thanks a bunch for your words! I'll look out for your fic aswell._

_Skarto: Appreciate it. I just might have a Saddler filler…_

_Divine Serenity: Hey, I read that story of yours. I loved it! I'm glad you like this one too._

_Kid-author: Wow, you think so? Thanks for that _

_Kamesen: Hey, thanks for reviewing this! And I'm still waiting around for Super Quest. I guess this is what I do to kill time till then. Heh._

**Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil 4, any of its names or affiliates in any way. **

_**RESIDUAL MEANY 4**_

"_**FANCY BEGINNING LAYOUT"**_

_**Chapter 3: The Boulder that was never there**_

After the Ganado's had left Leon all alone in the village, he had decided to do a bit of freebie shopping. To his dismay, he only found a shitload of ammo, a shotgun, random coloured herbs and some Adam Sandler DVDs.

"Bunch of fucking virgins. Not one stick of porn in this stupid village." Leon muttered and trounced towards the next area. Along the path, Leon happened upon a filthy piece of shit note written on some rag stuck on the wall. On the note was a familiar insignia in the shape of a jolly yellow M.

_To all village personnel, there is an intruder among us! But do not fear, for we have hidden our prized porn collection in a more secure location inside the church. Oh, and that whiny bitch is there too. Ashley Greyhound or whatever her little bitch name is. Anyway, that American dude with the jacket IN WHICH WE MUST AQUIRE, has begun his assault. Being American, he has most likely been bestowed with the 'Typical Hero' status, so beware!_

_Oh, one more thing. The scheduled Orgy at the sound of the bell today with the special 'barbed wire' theme, will NOT apply to those working in the farm. So keep working you beetches. _

_Sincerely, _

_Chief Bittores 'Balls' Mendez_

Leon grunted and ripped the note from the wall before stuffing it in his pocket in case he needed toilet paper in the future. So the porn was in the church, eh? Leon wondered if masturbating in a house of god was sacrilege.

Shrugging, he moved onto the next heavy-set door.

Slamming the door hard enough to wake the dead behind him, Leon found himself in a lame farm of sorts, complete with lame cows, chickens and the occasional Ganado pretending to work. Leon trounced into the farm merrily, stopping to read a retarded-looking blue note stuck on a tree:

_Bleh, blEUUUTGHGGHGHGHG. BLUE MEDALLIONS AHOY! FIND…SHOOT FOR PWIZE! Mehhhhhhhh…fart._

Leon admired the artistic flaunt of the cherished ode to the English language. "Hmmm, tis quite the appliqué of the word en muse to the hereditary stanza of human emotion and forte'' Leon murmured to himself in a refined British accent, whilst swirling a wine glass thoughtfully. "Mmmm, yes."

A Ganado had overheard Leon's ramblings and was already sneaking up behind the unawares American/British lunatic. Just as he was about it get in striking distance, the Ganado was stupid enough to set off a bear trap that clamped down on his unfortunate leg.

Leon whirled around as the Ganado shrieked in agony. Once he saw it was no threat, he laughed to himself heartily. The Ganado got pissed at this and momentarily shunted the pain to swing out the bear-trapt leg right into Leon's shin. Bone snapped as the hit found its mark, causing Leon to holler madly and hop around on one foot. Leon's health gauge was now at the pulsing orange level.

The Ganado was now the one to laugh, giggling sheepishly and ignoring the bear trap still stuck on his leg. Leon soon regained composure and fired his shotgun into the Ganado's head, exploding it and, naturally, stopping the laughter.

With an angry yell, Leon snapped his shinbone back into place and took out his misery on the defenceless farm animals situated about. After murdering four cows and stomping three chickens to death, hence running himself completely out of ammo and obtaining a Golden Egg, Leon ignored the rest of the village idiots and made his way to the next door that connected the pixellated environments.

The next room consisted of an ominous downward sloping path, complete with an ominous fog and an ominous set of skulls impaled on a makeshift sign.

Leon, of course, took no notice of any danger and merrily skipped along. Once he had made his way several paces down the path, he heard a collective groan of physical exertion above him. Looking to the sound, he saw three guys trying with all their might to push a huge boulder into the ravine Leon was in, probably in an attempt to start a button-mashing minigame that got progressively more pointless with each playthrough.

Leon tensed, ready to start hammering the X button when the boulder dropped. To his embezzlement, no such thing occurred, for it seemed the men assigned to push the boulder to supposedly squish the American couldn't even do that. They continued to pant and sweat profusely from the massive task. What was more surprising was that even Leon knew you needed more than three dooshbags to move a boulder that huge.

"Oi, need a bit of help there?" Leon called up mockingly.

"Anda cagar!" (Fuck off!)

"Tch, fine."

So he went on his merry way nonetheless, choosing to mash X anyway and hitting L1 and R1 at the end to keep the dramatic effect. After dodging the imaginary boulder, Leon called up Hunnigan to congratulate himself on his recent stunt.

"Hey, Hunnigan! Did you see that? It came at me like PHWOOM, and I went like WOAH and ran faster than eva!"

Hunnigan gave him a blank stare. "Sure you did Leon. But why wasn't there a boulder actually there, hmmm?"

Leon stopped his rambling and stared at her, the few rusted cogs in his brain screeching into action.

"Waitaminute. Just how the fuck did you SEE that? Is there some sort of biological nanomachine running through my bloodstream that allows you to see and hear everything I do?"

Hunnigan was at a loss. Her eyes darted to and fro nervously and she struggled for a response.

"Well, uh, umm…you see…but here's the thing…uhm…"

Suddenly, Hunnigan was cut off and her display picture was replaced by a strange looking man with a bluish bandanna around his crew-cut hair.

"Colonel, I've reached the disposal facility." The man said in a gruff voice.

Leon's eyes boggled. "Who the fuck are you?"

The man was equally surprised. "Ditto to you, dickface. How'd you get your hands on a codec anyway?"

"What the fuck is a codec?"

"Humph, it don't even matter. It's not like you'll ever be a threat to me with a voice as crappy as yours."

"What are you TALKING about?" Leon screams at the much cooler man.

"HA! It's obvious they're trying to rip MGS off. Well get this, I can actually fire my gun AND move at the same time! How d'you like dem applez!"

Leon is emotionally torn by the comment, verging on falling to pieces and blubbering like a baby for at least three hours.

"…Well!" He began, until he realised he couldn't think of a comeback. "…Well!"

Hunnigan suddenly cut in. "Forget about it, Leon! Just finish the damn chapter already!"

With a screech, the codec…uhh, I mean the radio cuts off abruptly and Leon has no choice but to move forward. In this area is a tiny archway with spinels and bats hanging from the ceiling. Since Leon wasn't exactly the smartest person around to notice they were just fruit bats, he bolted as fast as he could through the archway, waving his arms frantically and shrieking at the top of his lungs.

Once through the terrible ordeal, Leon hunched over to catch his breath, only to hear a fizzling sound somewhere in front of him.

Leon snapped up and saw a Ganado across a field laden with bear traps. He was holding a bunch of dynamite that was already crackling along the fuse, a gay smile plastered on his face.

Leon raised his arm in defence. "Fuck NO! I don't wanna waste my only first aid spray on YOU!"

The Ganado sneered wider and hurled the dynamite at the paralysed American. Everything suddenly goes into slow-mo as the explosive spins through the air leaving a contrail of blur behind it.

"-" Leon screams in his much deeper slow-mo tone.

The dynamite continues to fly toward him.

"--"

The Ganado laughs hysterically.

"-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

THEN, the dynamite hits the floor with a _plunk!-_

-to be a bare two centimetres from the guy who threw it.

The Ganado looks to the dynamite, then to Leon, then the dynamite again.

"Fuck…"

KABOOM!

The explosion reels Leon back and literally vaporizes the Ganado. After a little victory dance and adding another coat of piss to his already stained pants, Leon advances onwards to a loud banging sound coming from a crappy run-down house.

Inside the house, the sound becomes louder and louder, to the point of it coming from directly inside a cupboard located inside a hidden passage.

Using his superior intellect to deduce his next move, Leon screams like a banshee and proceeds to shoot every bullet he has into it. Once he realised he'd run out of ammo earlier anyway, he hobbles over and opens the cupboard.

A dapper, Spanish looking guy with a retarded face suddenly topples out of it and crumples to the floor, dead still. Leon raises an eyebrow and notices that the interior of the cupboard door is splattered in blood. He then sees that a halo of said liquid is seeping out of the guy's head. It didn't take a genius to work out just how the Spanish dude was making those banging noises from before.

Being the kind and gentle guy that he was, Leon bent over the figure and discreetly ripped the piece of duct tape covering his mouth, so hard in fact that the Spanish guy lost the moustache nobody ever knew he had. It also had the effect of waking him with a start. Well, not with a start but with an insane shriek of pain.

"AIIIIIEEEEEE! MY FUCKING FACE, AMIGO!"

Leon just stared at the guy. He then tipped him over roughly with his foot and undid the rope binding the man's hands together.

Upon being freed, the Spanish guy rolled away from Leon and quickly got to his feet in an effort to run away. Unfortunately, a wincing snap cut through the air as the guy fell to the floor again, screaming and with his ankle broken.

"You okay?" Leon asks stupidly.

Unable to get up, the Spanish dude simply looks up at the better-looking man. "You're…not like dem?"

Leon recoils, believing his question had been stupid enough. "Why the fuck are you asking me that? Why else did I release you!"

The Spanish dude shrugs and drags himself along the floor a bit, hauling his mangled ankle around disgustingly.

"I've only got one, very important question for you. D'you got gum?" He asks, wincing.

"No" Leon answers quickly.

Both men suddenly shut the hell up when huge booming footsteps shake the very floorboards they stood upon (Well, ONE 'stood' upon.)

A huge guy with an obvious fake eye and evil Santa Claus beard looms out of the darkness, glaring at the two and flanked by two equally pissed off villagers.

"HOLY SHIT!" Spanish dude screams. "IT'S THE BIG CHEEZ, MERCY ON MY BALLS!"

"What!" Leon asks, bewildered. Then he rushes forward for no reason at all and throws a perfect straight kick at the huge guy. Why the spontaneous action? Because he's an asshole, that's why.

SCHNAK! Big Cheez flukes the catch of Leon's shoe and hurls the American backwards.

"WOAH!" Leon screams and collapses atop Spanish dude, breaking his other ankle and causing him to bawl pathetically before passing out. Leon himself, didn't want to face the embarrassment of the Big Cheez making a quip about his pants, so he quickly shut his eyes and gave off an unconvincing fainting performance, complete with melodramatic wailing and backhand to the forehead.

"Oh-oh-oh, deary me. Blahgh." He 'faints'

Bittores 'Balls' Mendez quickly stoops over the two pussies, licking his lips and scanning his eyes over their muscular bodies.

"Oooh, oh yes. Hmmm, yeah. Unnngggghhhh…." Bittores drools.

The two flanking villagers look at one another worriedly. One of them speaks.

"Uhhh, sire. (Yes, in English from now on.) We have specific orders to bring the two to the mysterious injection room for…uhhh, injecting."

Bittores turns to them, shocked. "What! But-but, w-whaddabout derr ballz?"

The villagers grimace at the thought, one of them suddenly puffing his vomit-filled cheeks and running to a dark corner.

"Tis Saddler's orders sire." He says.

Bittores narrows his eyes and turns his back to the villagers. He props a massive finger on his bottom lip and concentrates for a moment.

"Hmmm, if I can't have Sera's or this American's balls…" Bittores face lights up when he comes to his flawless conclusion. "I'll just take those that are nearest!"

Bittores whips around and his face falls. The villagers are nowhere to be found except for a wide-open window on the far side of the room; its curtains fluttering.

"FUCK IT!"

X

To Be Continued Sooner than the previous chapter.

_(Filler Section) Interviews with the stars of RE4._

_(The all-familiar talk show stage comes into view. The hostess sits humbly on one of the chairs as the crowd screams in blissful cheers. Seated next to her is the Great Osmund Saddler, coach and captain of the European Illuminados Sect.) _

The crowd continues cheering. Saddler waves his hands sheepishly at them, averting his gaze in fake modestyand chiding to himself.

"So," The hostess begins and the crowd finally shut up. "Thank you for coming on the show Mr Saddler."

Saddler: "Oh, you're much too kind. And please call me Osmund."

Hostess: "Ummm, no thanks. (AN: I think it's a weird name, even for a Spanish Cult Leader.) Anyways, I have a question for you. How does it feel to be a half-decent RE villain?

Saddler: "Quite marvellous actually. One gets 'special' privileges." He winks at the Bella sisters seated in the front row, they giggle idiotically in high-pitched voices.

Hostess: "Right, right. Well you're pretty good compared to Code: Veronica. I mean, who the hell would take that pansy Alfred seriously anyway?"

At these words, none other than Alfred Ashford himself bursts forth from the stage curtains. He shrieks at the hostess in his irritating voice.

Alfred: "You said I was PRETTY decent too!"

Nobody notices this outburst in the slightest and Alfred runs off backstage, howling and weeping for his own diminutive existence.

Hostess: "Here's another question Mr Saddler."

Saddler: "Osmund."

Hostess: "Saddler. Why is it that that weird tentacle thing of yours you use to kill people comes out from _underneath _your robes?"

Saddler: (Chuckling) "Well, they do call me SADDLER for a reason, heheh."

Hostess: (Turns to the camera) "Wether you got that joke or not, we'll be right back."

_Crowd cheers again as the show's jingle announces the start of another commercial break. _

X

_AN: Blah, I took too long to update. I've got too many unfinished fics flying around. On another note, if you'd like to ask the next special guest to the filler section a question, please do and help me out. I can extend it that way if I have a few responses. For the record, the next guest will be Ashley Graham, k?_

_As always, please leave a review! _


	4. This is by Far the Longest

_AN: This is the author's note. I hoped you enjoyed reading it. _

_Review replies!_

_Skarto: Yay, someone got that joke. 10 pesetas for you._

_Raitokage: Another fan of Super Quest, eh? That's cool. Thanks mucho for the review-o._

_Kamesen: I'm glad you like this stuff and I'll think about your little request (: Smiley face!_

_Joebthegreat: I hope it pwns. I hope it pwns HARD! Thanks for the review._

_dIvInE SeReNiTy: Yeah, I loved that line myself. I always thought Mendez was a blundering idiot anyways._

_RavenGhost: Ada sure will appear later. Appreciate the input._

_Evil Fang: I hate Ashley too. And be prepared for several 'accidents' to occur when she takes the stage._

_Will Counter: Your first review ever? Wow, I feel special! Cheers for the review. _

_Let's begin…_

**RESIDUAL MEANY4!111ONE**

_Chapter the Fourth: "This is by Far One of the Longest Chapter Titles You May Ever Read In This Fic."_

After being captured by Bittores "Balls" Mendez in a shack previously, Leon began to have a few disturbing dreams. He saw darkness, blurred images awash in his starry vision, conspiring evilly amongst themselves. A mystical gloved hand of sorts flew through the fabric of space, reaching out for his groin. Leon squealed in protest and attempted to fight the hand away but it simply slapped his own girly paws away easily. Then, a lone hooded figure comes into view, looking down at him maliciously and brandishing a mean-looking syringe of sorts. The syringe was seemingly full of Ribena or something, so Leon didn't make a move to resist.

With a sharp jab, the hooded guy sticks the syringe in Leon's neck harder than necessary, jerking the American fully awake.

"OWWWWEEeeehhhhhhhhhhh….!" Leon mopes with puffy lips before drooling on himself a bit and _really _falling unconscious.

X

A few blurry seconds later, Leon comes to. He looks about quickly and sees himself in another shitty shack. Over by the wall sits an XBOX console; yes the shack was really _that _shitty.

Leon tries to move but he notices two things: 1. He seemed to be tied up with that stupid Spanish guy from the previous chapter, and 2. His groin hurt.

Leon struggles with the handcuffs binding him and Spanish dude together in vain. Then, deciding that he couldn't free himself too easily, he angles his shoulders appropriately and elbows Spanish dude in the head. Hard.

**SSSHHH-CRACKKK!**

Spanish dude slumps over, blood pouring from his gaping mouth.

"Errmm, whoops." Leon mutters and instead tries to jerk the other man awake more politely.

Finally, Spanish dude wakes up and groans loudly.

"Ay ya ya, my head is killing me." He complains.

Leon shifts slightly. "Whatever. Now that you're awake, help me get out of these cuffs."

Spanish dude nods. "Me llamo Luis Sera…"

"I don't give a shit. Help me out here."

"…used to be a cop in Madrid…"

Leon grimaces in annoyance. "Did I ask you for your fucking life story? Just angle your hands a bit and-"

"Policia…you put your life on the line and no one appreciates…"

"You're damn right I don't appreciate this! Shut the hell up!"

"…The one with the viral outbreak? I thought I saw a sample of the porno in one of the labs in a facility."

"'-What's that about porno?" Leon asks, genuinely intrigued.

Luis clucks his tongue, thinking hard. "The leader of this cult is one Osmund Saddler. Rumoured to have the greatest batch of paparazzi celebrity porn that no one thought existed."

Leon's eyes widen and his pants become a bit tighter. "Holy Shit!"

Luis sighs. "I know what you mean amigo…but there's something I need to ask you…"

"I don't have any gum." Leon quips, hoping that Luis couldn't feel the packet of Tropical Fruit Bubblelicious in his back pocket.

Luis shakes his head slowly. "No, not that man. It's…something else."

Leon narrows his eyes in worry. Was he coming on to him? Well, he could hardly blame him…but he just didn't swing that way!

"…Does your crotch hurt?" Luis asks carefully.

Before Leon could answer, a bloodied Ganado comes out of nowhere, dragging a hefty axe along the floor. He came towards the now-struggling duo, bloody murder etched into his eyes.

"Do something, Cop!" Luis screams shrilly, bawling like a little bitch.

"What the fuck are you talking about!" Leon screams back.

Luckily, at that precise moment, a pair of pulsing red buttons appear in front of Leon's face. Leon, being the prissy that he is, shrieked wildly at the unknown things, flailing his legs at them hysterically. Thankfully, his right shoe planted on the buttons and a magical escape plan happened to pop into Leon's head.

"I've got it!" He yelled in triumph. "NOW!"

With great strength, Leon rolls to his side just as the Ganado's swinging axe screams down at him, effectively missing him entirely and ploughing into Luis Sera's arms, slicing them clean-off at the wrists.

"AIIEEEE!" Luis screams, staring at his bloody stumps as they squirted B positive all over his face, blinding him. Leon rolls clear from the danger, one hand still cuffed with Luis' severed hand whipping about everywhere on the other end. The Ganado recovers from the first swing and roars into a second attempt; heaving his axe above his head.

Leon quickly judo-flips back to his feet and knees the Ganado in his small sensitive balls, stopping him in mid-swing and buckling him over in total agony. The Ganado topples to the floor and lays still.

"Well," Leon begins, posing at the camera with a stupid smirk on his face. "How's that for poetic justice?"

SCREECH!

"EEEEEK!"

Leon jumps five-feet in the air before he realises it was his stupid radio again. He flicks it out.

"Yyello?"

It was the ever-unimportant Hunnigan again, ready to give out more pathetic advice to instil herself with some sort of karma to keep from vanishing from the very planes of existence.

"Leon, what happened to you? You haven't been answering the phone."

"Meh, I was knocked out. Some huge guy flipped me over and injected his juice into me."

It took four minutes for Hunnigan to swallow those particular words.

"…Do you have any clue just how wrong that sounded?"

Leon frowned, deciding he was done talking to such a critical person. "Hey, do you hear that Hunnigan? I think it's your shallow personality sinking into the depths of oblivion."

With a click, he hangs up and throws the phone at Luis' unconscious body. (He had passed out from the pain, but even so, with both his ankles snapped, where was he gonna go?)

Now done in the shitty shack, Leon makes his way to the exit when a strange hooded figure appears behind a small square window.

"Over here, stra-"

BLAMBLAMBLAM!

"FUCK!"

The merchant dives out of the way, realising his mistake. Leon quickly runs out of the shack to finish the job when he turns a corner and sees the merchant pointing an RPG right at his face.

"Welcome!" He says in a dreadfully familiar tone.

Leon lowers his gun at the voice. He knew he had heard it before…

"Hunnigan, is that you?" He asks.

At that, the Merchant falls backwards like an idiot and fires the rocket into the air harmlessly.

"Arrgh! My exquisite feminine ass!" Hunnigan screams.

Leon stares at her.

"Uhhh, I mean my chunky ass."

"What're you doing here?" Leon shuts her up.

Hunnigan gets up and dusts her ugly coat off.

"I am so sick of never doing anything! That's what! I'm always helping total morons like you complete assignements. And THEY always take the credit! Well, not any more. This time, with my plethora of weapons, I shall do this mission myself!"

"Sure you will. Say, can you spare any of those guns you speak of. This crappy little handgun of mine can't do jack shit."

Hunnigan opens her coat to reveal said arsenal. "Not for free of course."

"Right, right." Leon mumbles as he stares in awe at the weapons. Then he spotted something he seriously couldn't do without. "Ooooh, I'll take those two!"

Hunnigan slaps Leon in the face and closes her coat quickly. "Those are NOT for sale!"

Leon shakes the pain away from his swollen cheek. "…Story of my life."

Hunnigan slaps him again. "Shut UP! Your dialogue is terrible!"

TO BE CONTINUED

_Back again in the semi-popular late night talk show, Ashley Graham and the hostess are sitting on the stage chairs of the show. The crowd is a mixed back of drooling guys and booing girls. _

"Welcome back to the Resident Evil Talk Show." The Hostess gets the ball rollling. "Tonight, we have the heroine of RE4, Ashley Graham with me. So tell me, Ashley. How does it feel to be the main female appeal in a popular RE title?"

Ashley: "Well it has its ups and downs. From day one, I was reading the script and really tried to get into character and-"

Crowd: "Booo!"

Ashley: "Oh, shut the hell up you sadists!"

Hostess: "Everyone please quiet down. Ms Graham is trying to give a sophisticated talk on her role."

The audience goes quiet.

Ashley: "…Anyway, when I met Leon, we really connected. Like our characters were-"

Audience: "BOOOOOOOOO!"

Randon Fangirl: "Leon is MINE!"

Ashley: (Fuming) "How dare all of you! I fully deserve such a man."

From the stage, Leon sits up from his seat and hurls his combat knife at her.

Leon: "Try calling me a pervert again, you hussy! You KNOW I can't help it!"

The knife impales Ashley through her palm and pins it to the wall.

Ashley: "AIIEEEEEE!"

Suddenly, the hostess bolts from her seat, rips the knife out and launches it straight into Leon's chest.

Leon: "URRRK!" (He falls dead in his seat and selects 'Try Again')

The audience (minus the guys) continues booing hysterically, throwing all manner of shit onto the stage. Security personell rush onto the stage with riot shields and batons and struggle to keep the rabid anti-fans of Ashley under control.

Hostess: (Screaming over the pandemonium.) "We'll be back soon!"

X

_AN: Meh, I could've done a lot better in this chapter. I might repost it when I have more time to spell-check and stuff so don't be put off if there was a few errors in this. As always, I just hope this kept you amused somehow. Cheerio!_


	5. The One after chapter four

_AN: Must…update…faster…HIYA! Hey, it worked. Now I must say just how dissappointed I am with myself for not updating for as long as I have. I'd like to say that certain things have gotten in my way but I am not one to lie. I got lazy, and for that, I'm sorry. I'll do my best from now on._

_Reply to the reviewz: _

_Do as Eternity: Thanks for reviewing this story, and yeah, this is pretty blaspheming to the game. I still love it though. _

_Nekoninja123: What? Really? Wow, cheers! _

_Kamesen: Hehe, yeah. I guess you can see how much I hate him. Thanks for sticking with this story, I appreciate it._

_Messij: I will try to keep the work up. Wether it's great or not is up to you…(shifty eyes). Thank you._

_Joebthegreat: When I thought that up I laughed for a full minute. No exaggeration, I really am that insane. Thanks for reviewing, mate. _

_Roxas16: Neat! I'm glad I made you LMFAOROTFFLMAO. I've never had that effect on people! I'm glad you found it funny._

_Evil Fang: Not to worry, friend. I hate her as much as you do. Thank you for reviewing my crap._

_Let's…GO!_

**RESIDUAL MEANY 4**

_Chapter Five: "The One after chapter four."_

After purchasing the sexy bolt-action rifle from Hunnigan and moving onto the next area, Leon discovered something truly terrifying. He looked down at himself and realized that his kickass bomber jacket was GONE.

"AIEEEEEE!" He shrieked to the heavens. Those bastards had taken it from him! Stolen! THIEVES!

Filled with undeterred fury, Leon barged through a thick iron door and saw a shitload of Ganado's arrayed around a large open area with criss-crossing walkways and other junk. He approached the closest one. (The others hadn't taken notice of him yet.)

"You!" Leon pouted, on the verge of falling to pieces. "You…DON"T SMELL PRETTY!"

The Ganado broke into tears and ran off, tripping over himself in his misery. The American was so _cruel!_

Leon huffed and puffed some more, moving from one Ganado to the next, a string of crushingly brutal insults at his helm.

"You're poop!"

"I don't like you very much!"

"That jacket looks silly!"

One by one, the Ganado's fall prey to his god-like taunts, their self-confidence trampled like it didn't even matter. A few of them ran off to random places to hug pink lace pillows and sob over the phone to their closest friends.

Leon didn't care though. He was too angry at them. That jacket had been special to him! He'd stolen it from a hobo three days ago. There was no WAY to restore that kind of unforgettable history.

Leon continued his hissy fit and just happened to solve the "puzzle" to advance to the next area. (The one with the two emblem thingies that stick together.) By that time, Leon had calmed down a bit and hoped that he'd be able to retrieve it somehow by the end of the game. If not, well, he'd have to find another hobo, and the stupid village he was in seemed to be made of nothing but.

The next place seemed to be some sort of built-in fort with palisades sticking up from around the perimeter. A few shacks nearby were detailed differently from the environment; meaning they would probably be destroyed sometime in the future, possibly during a deceptively easy boss fight that just _had _to wait until the weather was stormy and dramatic enough.

Shrugging, Leon advanced forward through a somewhat challenging urban landscape with half-built buildings and more DTD's (Dynamite Throwing Dickheads). Leon also was unable to use his taunts to clear the path like before because he just realised that the Ganado's couldn't understand English; thus making it so. Even so, Leon wasn't all that angry anymore. Without his jacket his muscles were clearly more visible and in turn, his ego shot through the roof. At one point, he tried to chat up a sickle-wielding chick with his famous: "Hey, screw me." pick up line. She had tried to stab him in the head shortly afterwards so Leon was left with no alternative but to blow his load in her face.

After doing said act, Leon reloaded his shotgun AND zipped up his pants. Why the second one? He had a minor itch, that's all. Why? What were _you_ thinking?

Anyways, some time later, Leon reached a house that just tipped the scales in being habitable by more than a mangy family of pigs. This house looked nice and neat _and_ smelled faintly of cinnamon. What more could you ask for? Once he gained entry after spinning a blue orb like mechanism randomly for two seconds, Leon ate all the porridge inside and had a little nap in the once-made bed. He also found a select few magazines underneath the bed too. Such titles included, BasketBALL Monthly, BaseBALL Digest, BALLroom dancing for beginners, and other completely random content.

"Damn it to hell! When am I gonna find some porn! I'm starting to lose wood!"

With these words, Leon pulled out a two-by-four plank from his back pocket and took a bite out of it, munching away thoughtfully.

Once done messing up the room to his fullest extent, he moved on to the next room where he heard some voices babbling on incoherently. One of the voices, Leon noted, sounded horridly tacked on and exaggerated, like something an evil witch from a cartoon might sound like.

"Well isn't this swell, being infected by las Plagas? I have to take a shit every twenty minutes. And half the time, I don't even make it to the loo in time!" The male voice said ecstatically.

"I don't even go to the toilet anymore! Do you notice how every bed in this village is a stale brown? THAT'S BECAUSE OF MEEEE!"

The two voices break into uproarious laughter.

"What the fuck…?" Leon grimaced and shuffled a bit closer to the voices. Suddenly, his psychic abilities informed him of impending danger to his manhood right behind him! Leon twirled around to battle the threat but even before he could pull the trigger, the huge plothole device of Bittores Mendez appeared out of nowhere and took a crippling grip of Leon's groin. Mendez heaved Leon of his feet by his groin; the pain so overwhelming that he could only gag and choke feebly.

Mendez held Leon in this position for some time, fumbling Leon's groin with his hand thoughtfully. After a while, Mendez finally spoke.

"Hmm, you have the same balls as us it seems." He muttered gruffly. "Nevertheless is actually three words in one. You don't belong here, American."

"AGHCK-K-K-K…"

Finally, Mendez roughly lets go of Leon's private area, dropping him on the wooden floor with a 'THUD"

"Just remember, if you become complacent to our balls, you will suffer severe crabs."

"I think I can take it, buddy." Leon winces, gripping his manhood gingerly from a foetal position on the floor.

Mendez growls and stalks away from the door Leon had entered through; his huge shoes booming with each step typically.

Leon manages to stand up slowly and lumbers around randomly, blinded by the pain. Like an ass, he reaches the door Mendez had went though and unknowingly goes after him. Seconds later, Mendez gets the jump on him and grabs Leon in a chokehold.

"Guahhkkk! FUCK…OFF…ALREADY!" Leon screams.

Mendez smiles evilly, beginning to drool.

"I see that you will never learn your lesson, American. Very well, it seems I will have to confiscate your 'assets.'"

"Oh, JESUS NO!"

Mendez slowly reaches his free hands towards Leon's defenceless groin, but before he made contact, a red blur of movement flashed through the window in the room.

The figure outside the window fires wildly with a handgun, shattering the glass panes and hitting all manner of objects inside, but somehow completely missing the MASSIVE form of Mendez standing in the tiny room.

Mendez whirls around at the threat, dropping Leon to the floor clumsily. The person in the window stopped shooting. Mendez roared and broke into a run towards the figure, jumping out of the window.

Whoever the person was, he/she tried to rappel out of harms way. With a 'zzzZZZZ' sound, the figure rises out of the Mendez' flight path on a grappling gun, effectively dodging the attack. However, on the trip upwards, the person failed to judge the distance properly and smashes into the border of the roof headfirst, flinging loose bricks out into the open sky and unto oblivion.

With a shriek, the red figure catapults downwards past the window, much to Leon's amusement. Leon quickly rushes to the window and holds his ear out in an impressive impersonation of the Grinch.

A moment passes, then _'whump!' _

"Ha! Take that, loser. This is MY game!" Leon proclaims loudly.

After a little jig and magically forgetting about the pain he had just endured, Leon finally advances onwards into the house. Further in, Leon comes to a wooden door down a corridor where some rather disgusting sounds are emitting.

'Ppppphhhhh! PPPPRRRRRRRRRR-PLOOMP!'

And the smell was, well, shit.

"Oh, man." Leon gags, going green.

Finally, after a loud flush that resonated through the house, the door swings open and out comes a gruff looking guy wearing a grey hi-tech body suit adorned with all manner of utility belts and a black double shoulder holster. A bandana was holding the man's medium length brown hair in place, and with his stern thousand-yard stare and manly stubble, he looked quite the character.

Then, Leon recognized the man and his eyes bulged. It was Snake! That guy he'd talked to to way back in chapter three.

Snake just frowned darkly at the jacket-less man.

"It's you! You're the guy who interrupted my codec- I uh, mean my radio conversation with Hunnigan!" Leon snapped, hands on hips.

Snake raised an eyebrow casually, his whole being oozing confidence. "Uh huh. And just who are you again?"

Leon blinked, astonished at such a question. "What? I'm the star of this game you prick! What the fuck are you doing here anyways?"

Snake ignored the question and strolled past Leon who moved out of the way quickly. "Hey, watch it! I'm popular!"

To this, Snake turned around to gaze at him, a smirk on his face. "Wait, now I remember who you are. You're that Leon guy whose supposed to be the hero in all of this. Well let me be the first to say that I ain't too impressed. I've been through a lot more shit than you."

Leon scowled, his pride hurting. Unlike him, Leon swelled his chest and stared at Snake with fire in his eyes.

"Listen, buddy. I think I know where you're coming from. Last time I checked, our separate adventrues seem to be heavily disputed in the action/adventure genre. But there's one thing you don't know, smartass. This adventure is unlike any other in the past! Everything's been revamped! And your series hasn't had nearly as many titles as mine!"

Snake scoffed. "Heh, it's not the number that matters. Some of the titles in your series are better left forgotten. 'Survivor' anyone?" He joked.

Leon went red in the face. "You evil-EVIL person! Your shoes are slightly discoloured!"

"Your masterful taunts are no match against me, Leon." Snake growled.

"Yeah? Just wait and see what else I can dish-"

CC-CRASH!

A chainsaw weilding Ganado suddenly bursts through the front door and charges at the duo, swinging the weapon wildly and slicing the dinner table and chairs in its way to splinters.

"What the fuck…?" Snake manages to utter before the Ganado was on him, waving the chainsaw at him in a vicous arc.

Snake ducks under the attack expertly, grabbing hold of the Gandado's arms with Cobra-like agility. Then, Snake snapped the guy around and got him in a chokehold facing Leon's direction.

"Now!" Snake roared.

With a startled blink, the situation caught up with Leon and he pulled out his rifle and fired three crushing shots into the Ganado's chest, spurting blood everywhere as each full jacket round pounded into its hard flesh.

Snake then hurled the Ganado at Leon who on complete instinct, unleashed a brutal roundhouse kick into its head, flinging it back at Snake who leaped into the air, grabbed the Ganado in mid-flight and brought it down onto his knee, snapping the spine like an easily snappaple object, say a twig, to be imaginative.

Snake pushed the guy off his knee and unto the floor, where he didn't move. The whole event had taken only twelve seconds.

"Hot damn, that did the trick!" Leon mused, impressed.

Snake nodded slightly, his gaze fixed on the fallen foe. "You weren't too bad, Leon."

"Ditto."

The two warriors shared a brief respectful silence.

Then-

"ARRRGGHHHH! I HAVE TO WEEEEE!" Hunnigan burst into the room out of nowhere, running awkwardly with her legs together. She dashed into the toilet with a blaze of speed.

Snake quickly reached his arm out at her. "Wait!" He yelled. "Don't look in the-!"

"AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Snake and Leon look at each other, concerned.

"That bad?" Leon had to ask.

Snake just shurgged nonchantly, slightly embarassed.

"Well, you have no idea just what kind of stuff I've been eating."

END OF CHAPTER.

_Back in the talk show, the lights come back on and the audience cheers in formal applause. There were two people seated in the guest chairs; one, a tough looking guy wearing a military biohazard uniform with a gasmask, and the other, a sleazy Asian-American woman donned in a cheap red dress probably purchased at a thrift store for $1.76 cents. _

_Hostess: Welcome back yet again to the Resident Evil Talk Show. Tonight we have two special guest to share their feelings on their role in RE4. Everybody give a big welcome to Ada Wong and Mr Death himself, Hunk!_

_Audience cheers and boos in varied measures. Some female fans scream something that sounds like 'Slot' or something. _

_Hostess: So tell me you two, how does it feel to be part of the beginning of the revolution in the Resident Evil franchise? _

_Ada: Well, what can I say? I'm just so pleased that people realise how much class and beauty I'm putting into the series. Without me, well, who wants to think about it really?_

_Hunk: …_

_Hostess: Okay, pardon me saying this but that sounds slightly obnoxious madam. _

_Audience yells in agreement._

_Ada: Humph, you only wished you looked half as good as me._

_Hostess: Excuse me but my looks depend on the audiences' imagination._

_Hunk: …_

_Ada: Is that so? You must look like a complete whore then, missy. _

_Audience boos hysterically. _

_Hostess: (Slightly fuming) Why…you…self-obsessed sociopath! Why did I even invite you on this show?_

_Ada: Because even you must realize how much unbridled potential I weild as a likeable character, bitch!_

_Hunk: … … …_

_The audience, meanwhile is delving into hysterics. Krauser can be seen unwillingly riding the wave of people, screaming shrilly at the top of his lungs. _

_Hostess: Go back to the brothel you came from, hussy!_

_Ada: Kiss my beautiful ass! _

_Hostess: Shove it you braindead bimbo! _

_Hunk: …urgh. _

_Ada: Say that in my face! _

_Hostess: I'm already there and throwing up at the sight of it! _

_Hunk: …RRRrrggh_

_Ada: I'm gonna ride your punk ass into the floor-_

_Hostess: You couldn't even fit your cheeks through the-_

_Hunk: AAARRRGGHHH!_

_Hunk stands abruptly and takes a hold of Ada's head from behind and promptly snaps it with chilling efficiency._

_The audience utter a collective gasp, the Hostess' mouth is wide open. Ada's body slumps out of the chair and lazily topples to the floor. _

_Hostess: …well…uhhh…I think that's our cue for another commercial break. Anything you want to say in conclusion, Mr Death?_

_Hunk: …Meh_

_Hostess: That'll about do it. Till next we meet everyone. _

_Lights dim as the audience cheers loudly. Two stagehands are briefly seen dragging Ada's body away. _

TBC

_AN: Well, that's all for now. I swear on Resident Evil 5 that I will take nowhere near as long to update the next chapter. _

_Take care now, byebye then._


	6. That's not a Typo

_AN: Oh man, I've gotten so damn sloppy with my updating. __So much crap has happened to me recently that I neglected to continue any of my fics for a while. But enough of my excuses, here's a nice long chapter as a way of sayin' sorry for the long friggin wait. _

Disclaimer: All characters or themes related to the Resident Evil franchise or anything else already owned by whatever company mentioned in this fic is in no way owned by myself. This is a non-profit fan-fiction that solely exists to (hopefully) amuse readers in some fashion. That's all I have to say. Yep, that's it. There's no humorous follow-up here.

**Residual Meany 4**

_Chapter Sex_

_"That's not a Typo"_

After Leon's little run-in with Snake, the two decided to stick together for a while for the sake of it. Though Leon was in simplest terms, an idiot, he still wasn't dumb enough to suggest that the two split up for no reason whatsoever. Though the Ganado's were beyond retarded, it still didn't mean they were harmless. In fact, they had more chances of killing Leon by ACCIDENT, if anything. But that was still dangerous.

So the two heroes went along, following the script accordingly. According to it, Leon was supposed to head back to the first village and go through an iron door that eventually lead to the church where all the porn was being held. Nothing was going to stand in his way, be it an annoying little blonde bimbo or the most typical explain-all-his-plans-of-world-domination villain fuckup.

"Hey, Snake." Leon spoke up as the two skipped along merrily holding hands.

Snake grunted in response.

"Why in all FUCK are we travelling like this!"

Snake narrowed his eyes and looked about himself.

"What d'you – GAH!"

The two fully-grown men shrieked and parted from each other, resuming to run around in respective circles.

Snake stopped quickly shortly after. "Allright, enough of that."

Leon continued shrieking and darting about, until a well-placed punch from Snake stopped him dead.

"Owwwwwwwee…" Leon gasped in surprise, staring at Snake with a wide, incredulous look. Then, gradually, his eyes began to glisten with tears.

Snake saw the coming disaster. "Oh, shit. Sorry about that, man."

Leon pouted and began taking huge dramatic breaths. Still on the verge of crying.

Snake looked about himself desperately.

"Look, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to…argh!"

Leon looked even worse now, moping miserably.

Then, on reflex, Snake got Leon's attention.

"Hey, hey! Look at me! Look what Snake's doing!" He chided playfully.

Snake started on a little random jig on the spot, followed by a well executed robot.

Leon brightened slightly, bobbing his head side-to-side with Snake's rhythm.

"Okay then." Snake stopped his little dance. Leon immediately began moping again.

Snake started dancing again, exasperated.

"C'mon, Leon! Give it a rest." Snake roared. "Why the hell have you changed so suddenly?"

Leon blinked in surprise, and confusion. "Hey, that makes me think. How did you even come to be here, Snake?"

Snake stopped his dance when he realized he had successfully confused him. "I don't really know. I remember doing my own sneaking stuff, then this giant black…HOLE of some kind sucked me in and I found myself in this desolate part of Europe."

"What the hell does that mean? A black hole?"

Snake shrugged. "I dunno. Some people call it a plot hole."

Leon grimaced. "I'm confused again."

"…Let's… just go."

So the two went on once again, travelling through a huge-ass door that led back to the first village of the game. Once there, they travelled through the insignia door and continued onwards into a cave like corridor; encountering absolutely nothing along the way.

"Damn it, where'd the action go? I'm getting bored." Leon moped, until he spotted some sort of Elegant Headdress bizarrely stuck to the ceiling of the cave.

"SHINY!" He bellowed dramatically, aiming his gun at it.

Snake noticed the object too. "I wouldn't try and get it down like that."

Leon ignored him and fired at the treasure, shattering it completely on impact.

"Oh well, shit." Leon said calmly, watching as the pieces fell to the floor dismally.

He collected the remnants and continued onwards into the corridor, until he spotted Hunnigan up ahead, still dressed in her bitching Merchant getup. She hadn't spotted him or Snake yet, so Leon took the opportunity to try something.

"Snake, hold up!" Leon hisses as he karate chops Snake in the throat as he went by. "I can see Hunnigan from here. Now's my chance to get her to fall for me. Are you in?"

Leon looks over at Snake who is silently retching from the previous blow, his face contorted in agony.

"Oh come on, she isn't THAT bad." Leon replies critically. "Anyway, here's the plan…"

X

Hunnigan was wondering wether Leon would even come by there at all. She'd read the strategy guide, so he should've been there by now.

"Damn it, where is he?" She complains, scratching her ass briefly. Then, Leon walks over slowly; strutting along with a pink plastic purse, and whistling terribly.

"Oh, hey there." He says, coming over and standing beside her before freezing in place. Hunnigan stares at him, confused.

"So, ah, you wanna buy something, Leon?" She asks. Leon ignores her completely, instead keeping his eyes locked on the corridor he had come from; his eyes wide and expectant.

_'The hell is he doing?' _She wonders.

Leon gives a loud, fake cough, waits a few seconds, and coughs again even louder. Then, as if on cue, Snake walks in, looking incredibly uncomfortable. He walks over to the two with his hands in his pockets. Leon can barely contain his laughter, spitting through his bubbling lips like a jackass.

Snake stands in front of Leon and Hunnigan, collecting his thoughts. Then he rolls his eyes.

"Hey, YOU." Snake growls lazily. "Hand…hand that over, or something."

Leon bites his bottom lip, looking like a squirrel on crack as he shakes uncontrollably. "Oh, m-me? PFFFF!"

"Yeah, just give me the handbag." Snake replies monotonously.

Leon hands it over with a high-pitched squeal.

Snake looks over at Hunnigan who looked a little more than a bit disturbed. He then jogs over to the door opposite and stops halfway there before resuming to walk slowly, shaking his head in embarrassment before he went through the doorway and was gone.

"On no. He stole my purse. Somebody help-" Leon stops and checks something scribbled on his hand. "-me."

He looks over at Hunnigan expectantly. She's staring at him in total lunacy.

X

Snake was leaning against the well that had led out of the cave; smoking a cigarette lazily. Soon after, Leon emerged from the well, looking dejected.

"So how'd it go?" Snake asks with a chuckle, taking another drag from his cigarette.

"Shut up." Leon snaps and strides along into the cemetery. Snake shakes his head in pity and follows after him.

An ugly Ganado stalks up to Leon as he passed by.

"ATRAS DE TI IM-"

"YOUR PANTS LOOKS AVERAGE!"

The words hit home. The Ganado looked horrified as the sickle fell from his grasp and landed in the mud. His face a mask of absolute shock. He tried to form some words but nothing came from his stuttering lips.

"Leon…" Snake says quietly from behind him.

Leon is silent as he stares onwards, his glare hard enough to shatter a glacier. Snake walks over to the Ganado, who is still in a state of disbelief.

"He…he…" The Ganado gasps. Snake walks over to him slowly, embracing the man as he came to his knees.

Snake hushes the man, whispering sweet nothings into his ear as he patted him on the back gently. The Ganado buried his face in Snake's shoulder armor, weeping quietly; his hands digging into Snake's muscular back as if it was his only support keeping him from falling off the earth itself.

Leon watches the two, aghast. Snake turns his head to glare at Leon admonishingly.

"Hey come on." Snake cooes quietly, getting the Ganado to his feet. "Now Leon, do you have something to say?"

Leon kicks the dirt at his feet, avoiding any eye contact. "Ow man…"

"Leon." Snake says firmly. The Ganado is still sniffing quietly beside him.

Leon swallows his pride. "Ok, I'm sorry about that. I can't control it sometimes."

Snake nods. "Good."

The Ganado looks up at Leon, tears still dried to his cheeks. Leon smiles warmly, expressing his heart-felt regret at what he'd done. The Ganado smiles back, sheepishly wiping the tears away.

"Gracias, amigo." He whispers. Leon nods in understanding. Then, the Ganado charges at him, screaming at the top of its lungs. Leon rips out a brutal roundhouse kick and blasts the Ganado's head to pieces. The headless corprse stumbles along a bit and tumbles to the floor.

"Moving along." Leon yelps cheerfully before skipping along towards the church looming in the background. Snake stares after him, still shaken about what had just happened.

_'That was fucked up'_

Snake jogged along behind him. Soon, the two stood before the entrance to the church. Leon quickly bounded up the steps and shoulder-charged the front door, bouncing off it pathetically and falling on his ass.

"Allright, then." He muttered and got to his feet. Leon stared at the door a bit, deep in thought. "The fuck's the handle on this thing?"

Snake came up beside him. "I think the door needs something attached to the front of it before it opens."

Leon grunts, moving away. Snake inspects the impression on the door more carefully, running his hand over it.

"An insignia of some kind…" Snake continues. "Looks like we have to find it before we can get in here. But what's the point anyway?"

Leon crosses his arms, looking upwards at the church. "Porn"

"Allrighty then." Snake goes right back to work on the door. "Getting inside is priority one. So if we can find the emblem, then-"

KKRASSSHHH!

Snake looks over to see one of the church's stained glass windows shattered, with Leon nowhere in sight. He didn't have to guess at what just happened. With a shrug, he followed suit and jumped through a different window, ninja rolling in mid-flight and landing on his feet inside the church. Snake scanned the area with his SOCOM pistol. When he spotted nothing dangerous, he holstered his gun. It wasn't like the leader of the Ganado's would come out of nowhere from the front of the pews and explain everything to total intruders.

"Hey, this room's clear." He said, nudging Leon beside him, who was lying in a mess of broken wood, having landed atop of the pews before; breaking it down the middle.

Leon muttered something and got up off the floor, brushing himself off again. "Ok. Now time to find that porn."

He waltzed over and began searching the place, opening cupboards roughly and knocking over all manner of shit to the floor. For some reason, he found it necessary to break anything that didn't yield any results to what he was looking for, causing a _lot _of noise. Yep, if there was a Spanish Cult Leader lying in wait somewhere, he would definitely show himself now, no doubt.

"Hey, there's a ladder over here." Snake called from across the room. Leon raced over to him and bounded up said ladder, Snake following soon after.

Up on the second floor of the church, the two spotted a door behind two sets of bars on each end.

"That HAS to be it!" Leon shrieked and started looking over the place for a way to open the path to his much-deserved material desire. After a while of finding nothing, Leon began to get aggravated again, breaking everything as he did so. This included some weird console with three buttons. He hammered away at it for a while, then ripped the entire thing from the stand and hurled it across the room. It went flying and smashed into the large chandelier; ripping it from its sockets before it too fell away to earth and landed atop the main announce table of the church, destroying both items beyond repair. Thankfully, this had the effect of opening the bars to the previously inaccessable door. Leon was quick to notice and bolted straight for it, giggling like a deranged schoolgirl in the process. Snake followed behind calmly, amused at Leon's antics.

BANG!

Leon bashed the door open and walked inside, gun drawn, lest someone had gotten to the porn before him. His eyes scanned the room hungrily; spotting a large barrel across from him. He happened to miss the form of a girl cowering away from him, standing between him and said barrel. To Ashley Graham, the situation couldn't have looked worse. Leon seemed to be heading right for her, his hands outstretched; drooling like an insane madman.

"DON'T COME!" She shrieked, brandishing a mean stick.

"Like Hell I won't!" He bellowed. (pun alert)

Ashley hurled the stick at him, which bounced off his head harmlessly as he continued his crazed advance. Ashley screamed again and shrank over in another corner. She almost immediately stopped screaming when she noticed Leon heading for the barrel that she had stood in front of before. When Leon reached it, he tore it open with his bare hands, roaring like the Hulk as he did so.

Ashley stared at him, totally lost at Leon's behaviour. A little while passed before Leon realized there wasn't any porn in the room whatsoever. Since he'd had a huge fit before, he was too tired to pull it off again, so he settled for heaving a huge sigh and tilting his head downwards in dissappointment.

When Snake walked into the room, Ashley immediately threw her arms around him, not caring if he was Ganado. "HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" She shrieked.

Snake had only heard the first syllable before all he could hear was a dull ringing noise. The pitch had been so high that it snapped Leon from his trance, who covered his ears to stop his brain exploding.

"Oh, my GOD! Keep it down!" He yelled, noticing Ashley for the first time. Ashley let go of Snake and backed herself against a wall, looking back and forth at the two men.

"No, get away!" She shrieked annoyingly. Leon winced at her voice as Snake just stood frozen in the doorway, his eyes blank and one of his ears bleeding.

"Who are you?" Leon demanded. "Where's the porn?"

Ashley noticed Leon flick the safety from his gun, so she decided to play along.

"Oh, ehhh. I think they moved it to…an island…or something." She stammered.

Leon cursed under his breath. "Huh, they must've known I was coming. Clever bastards." He holstered his gun, to which Ashley breathed a sigh of relief. Snake was still motionless.

"So who are you guys anyway?" Ashley asked, still apprehensive.

Leon looked at her strangely, almost as if he hadn't expected her to talk again. "Oh, uhhh, I'm Leon Scott Kennedy. An Agent of ESPADA, an American Government Special Forces group."

Ashley blinked in surprise. America? She…was kidnapped from there. She lives…in America!

"Hey, can I stay with you for a while? These weird people kidnapped me and put me here." She started, her voice somewhat desperate. "I'm the president's daughter, Ashley Graham!"

Leon raised an eyebrow. "Oh really?" He replied sarcastically. Then he looked down at Ashley's chest, noticing a similarity to the president's wife. "Ok, you check out."

Ashley beamed. "Really? So you'll save me?"

Leon shrugged. "I guess. Just so long I don't have to put some effort into it."

Ashley nodded, slowly, unsure if she had liked his reply. She then looked over at Snake, still frozen. "And who's he?"

He follows her gaze. "Oh, that's Snake. Say hello, or something."

Snake doesn't move. Ashley and Leon stare at him for a bit, deciding that he wasn't gonna move any time soon.

"Is he dead?" Ashley asked.

Leon walks over to Snake and slaps him atop the head, doing nothing but ruffling his hair a bit. Then, he instead reaches for his wallet, which causes Snake to clasp his hand onto Leon's wrist instantly. Leon and Ashley emit high pitched shrieks, falling backwards. Snake's eyes come back into focus shortly after, his nanomachines saving his life.

"Holy shit. What the FUCK was that noise?" He growled, rubbing his temple.

Leon picks himself up. "Dammit, Ashley, I thought you killed him!"

Ashley throws her arms up in defence. "What'd I do?"

Snake shakes away the nausea and notices Ashley.

"You!" Snake yells, pointing at her. Ashley jumps to attention, staring at him fearfully. "You're Ashley Graham, the president's daughter! You've been missing for over two weeks."

Ashley smiled, grateful. "Yes! Will you rescue me?"

Snake posed dramtically, a gust of wind from out of nowhere causing his bandanna to flap beside him. "As of this moment, it is my sworn duty to protect you."

Ashley's eyes went all dreamy-like. Leon, meanwhile, was picking his nose; his hair a mess and his clothes all dusty, as well as a suspicious stain streaked down his pant leg. He took notice of the way Ashley was gazing at Snake, and instantly felt his testosterone boil.

"Allright, enough of that." He said quickly, stepping in between the two as he waved his hands about. "I'm the SCRIPTED-" He took a moment to let the word sink in. "-Hero of this game. So we'll do what I decide, okay?"

Snake sniffed. "Whatever."

Ashley shrugged. "Sure…I guess…"

Leon smiled, feeling the immense power of their reliance upon him. Looks like it was up to him now.

"Okay, follow me then!" Leon announced, pumping a fist in the air. Ashley looks on, unimpressed. Snake isn't even paying attention, already walking out of the room.

Later on, the trio descended back down the ladder, except Ashley of course.

As Snake and Leon hit the ground of the first floor, their guns drawn and years of training and experience evident in their strong fluid movements, the two immediately fell to the floor shortly after, screaming in pain and holding their heads.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" Ashley screamed from atop the ladder.

Snake and Leon were beyond themselves in agony.

"HEEEEEEEEEEE-"

**"SHUT UP!" **

"…."

The two warriors regained their senses and stalked over to the ladder.

"The HELL do you need help with, woman!" Leon screamed.

Ashley groaned impatiently. "Isn't it obvious?"

Leon looked around her, noticing she hadn't touched the ladder. He glanced over at her again in disbelief.

"You're joking, right?" He asked annoyingly.

Snake stepped up beside him. "You mean you can't climb down ladders?"

Ashley stared at the two, at a loss for words. "…Uh, I just can't okay! Can't one of you catch me or something?"

"Fine, I'll do it." Leon sighed, stepping forward. Ashley stared at Leon below.

"Uhhh, why can't Snake do it?" Ashley chimed.

"Just JUMP!" Leon replied, exasperated.

Ashley sighed, guessing she had no choice. She readied herself gingerly, and was just about to leap over the edge when Leon suddenly answered his phone, forgetting about her completely. She yelped and almost tumbled over, glaring at Leon angrily.

"Oh, really? So I just rub some cream on it…"

"LEON!"

Leon dropped his phone in shock. "Okay, SHIT!"

Ashley timidly jumped but tripped on the way, causing her to scream all the way down.

Leon instinctively covered his ears, visions of galaxies exploding before his eyes. Thankfully, the torture was brief as Ashley had catapulted head-first into the church floor.

"Whoops." He muttered and pulled Ashley from the floor roughly so she dangled upside down in front of him.

"You moron! I could've died!" She fumed and ranted on.

Leon listened closely, nodding his head randomly. Then he abruptly shoved a green herb down into her gaping mouth and dropped her to the floor, where she resumed to retch and choke horribly.

Finally, she swallowed and glared at Leon in absolute fury. "What is with you! You ARE trying to kill me!"

Ashley rushed past Leon and stood behind Snake, who raised an eyebrow.

"You'll protect me, won't you, Mr Snake." Ashley gazed at him with big puppy dog eyes. Leon twitched.

Snake nodded quickly, surveying the area carefully. "It is my duty."

Leon chose to ignore them for now, heading for the front door of the church. As he pushed on it for a bit, he realized he hadn't unlocked it to begin with. Then, a creepy voice sounded throughout the church.

"I'll take the SHIT!" Said the voice.

Leon whipped around to see a guy in a thick purple cloak lying face-flat on the floor on the other side of the room. The guy got up slowly, rubbing his back gingerly.

"Who the fuck put the console there!" He roared, looking at the absolute mess around him. His cold-piercing eyes fell upon Leon, who was already trembling. "What did you do to my church!"

Leon looked around himself for an option. Luckily, Ashley and Snake emerged beside him, drawing the cloaked guys' attention.

Leon took the oppurtunity to ask something pointless.

"Who are you?" He asked in his big boy voice.

The guy smirked and started to walk around slowly, knocking all the stuff at his feet all over the place.

"If you must know, My name is Osmund Saddler, the master of this fine…religious community."

"Oh." Leon replies simply.

There's a short awkward silence as nobody says anything. The dramatic background music even stops. Saddler looks at Leon strangely, as if expecting him to ask something specific.

Leon rolls his eyes. "…what do you want?"

Saddler immediately starts talking again, like the long pause hadn't even happened. The creepy music starts playing again too.

"To demonstrate to the whole world, our astounding power, of course. No longer will the United States think they can police the world forever. So we kidnapped the President's daughter, in

order too give her our power, and then send her back."

Another pause follows, with everyone once again not sure what to do. Leon looks at Ashley for a second, glaring at her. She reeled back at his gaze, unsure of what'd she done. Then, her eyes widen in realization.

"No…" she gasps. "Leon, I think they shot something in my neck."

Leon nods calmly, having absolutely no idea what that meant to him. "Uh, huh? Oh, really? Hmmm, I see." He rambles on, long after Ashley had finished saying anything.

"Hey." Snake snaps. "Just follow the script so we can get out of here."

Leon glares at him. "Who says we have to follow it? We can just go and jump through that window over there, like we're supposed to."

He makes to do said act, only to realize his feet are practically glued to the floor. "Oh, come, ON!"

Snake sighs, stepping forward. "What did you do to her?" He asks Saddler monotonously.

"We just planted her a little...gift. Oh, there's going tobe one hell of a party when she returns home to her loving before that, I thought I might bargain with the President for some...donations. Believe it or not, it takes quite a lot of money to keep this church up and running." Saddler says slowly, relishing his screen time.

"Oh who CARES about any of your crap!" Leon screams, waving his arms around madly. "You gave me and her a plaga thingy, blah blah BLAH! What else is new? Just let us go, already!"

Saddler stares at them all quietly, confused. Then he smiles and continues talking.

"Oh, I believe I forgot to tell you but we gave you the same gift…" He goes on, earning a collective groan from the trio standing before him.

Snake shakes his head. "Can you believe this guy? It's like he reads right from a script."

"-you like our small, but special contributions. When the eggs hatch-"

Ashley smirked. "Does he have to explain everything to us? Why doesn't he just try to kill us now or something? Leon probably doesn't have enough upgrades or ammo."

"-don't you think this is a revolutionary way to propagate ones faith?"

At that moment, two collective impacts are heard from the main church door. Saddler looks at the trio in shock.

"Don't tell me you guys didn't even bother to solve the puzzle on the door?" He yelled.

Snake and Leon just look to each other sheepishly. Ashley has no idea what's going on.

Saddler groans and rubs his forehead. "Oh, man…look, just go, allright? You've probably skipped the entire bit with Del Lago anyway. Not to mention the Gigantes battle. How much more are you gonna mess everything up?"

Leon recoils, scared for his well-being. "Woah, calm down, man. We didn't mean to screw things up? We won't do it again, we swear."

He looks to Ashley and Snake for support, garnering collective nods.

"You see, we'll keep the story intact from now on."

_Yeah right_

Saddler nods slowly. "Ok, but can you unlock the door behind you so my zealots can actually get inside? Thanks."

Leon does as he's told. Soon, the crossbow zealots barge in and aim their weapons at the three, believing they had actually surprised them.

"Oh no." Leon says calmly. Then he ran over to the window across the room and leapt through it, smashing it and dissappearing from sight.

Ashley and Snake walk over to the window briskly; Snake taking the time to put out his cigarette beneath his foot on the way.

The zealots ready their weapons. "Careful! You might hit them!" One of them says. They fire and naturally miss the duo, who don't react in the slightest. Then, as Snake and Ashley hopped down through the already broked window, Saddler and the zealots found themselves alone.

Saddler breathes a sigh of relief. "Man, that was close. Good job, guys."

X

_The late night talk show begins once again; the crowd breaking into sincere applause. As the lights come back on, Jack Krauser and the hostess are seen sitting on the leather seats on stage. Krauser is twirling his knife and glaring off-stage menacingly. _

Hostess: So, Mr Krauser, a pleasure to have you on this show. How do you feel about your role in RE4?

Krauser: (chuckles darkly) I'll tell you one thing, I'm sure as hell better than Wesker in the villian department.

A sort of explosion goes off in the crowd as once placid people become raving lunatics out for blood.

Hostess (screaming) Do you realize what you just said!

Krauser is shocked by the impact of his words.

Krauser: What did I say?

Krauser's confidence is non-existant now, replaced by geniune fear.

Hostess: Have you even played ANY of the other RE titles?

Krauser: (confused) What the hell does RE stand for?

The crowd reaches a new pitch of utmost fury, bursting through the barricade that seperated them from the stage. Krauser screams shrilly as the crowd get a hold of him and carry him out the studio. Soon, the crowd consists of nothing but Leon playing a gameboy (clearly missing the batteries), and Ashley asleep near the back, snoring loudly. Hunk is briefly seen walking into the studio, look around, and leave the way he came.

Hostess: Well that was quick. Thanks for tuning in!

The lights dim as the crowd doesn't applause.

TBC

_AN: Man, I hope this chapter is anything as good as the others. Sorry if any of it seemed forced, but I hope you all enjoyed it anyway. It was a lot of fun writing it up to this point. And here're my replies to the previous reviewers!_

_Do as Eternity: Yeah, sorry for having it take this long. __And I guess I'm not the only one who hates Ada, huh? Good luck with your studies._

_Kamesen: Thanks for sticking with this, man. I hope this chapter doesn't ruin anything. But I'm glad you like it. I'm still waiting on Super Quest, too.(Not too mention RE5 itself) _

_Alaqua Slaughter__: Hey, thanks a lot for the compliment! I'm happy to see you like the fillers as well. - WINK_

_Demon Pyromaniac: Appreciate your review, mate. I DO hope I can finish this, unlike my other fics. _

_Joebthegreat: Yah, it all gets a little insane. That's the only state I can write this stuff under. Thanks for reviewing!_

_xvjafhafg.a__: Oh, man, you're too cruel…__ Sad face._

_AriaOfChaos: __It makes me happy to know you liked it that much. It makes all this worth doing, for all the people like you. _

_EvilFang: Heh, I can see you hate Ashley a bit. Thanks a lot, friend._

_I'll try to update this soon. Bear with me. Until then, see you all later!_


	7. How Sera got his Arms Back

_AN: Watch this! Heeeee….YAAA! Aw, you missed it. _

Disclaimer: What's the point of writing one for every chapter?

**Residual Meany 4**

**Chapter Seventh**

"How Sera got his arms back."

After the trio had escaped Saddler and his moronic scripted event, they found themselves outside of the church where the weather had bizarrely gone all dark and stormy-like; complete with clichéd lightning flashes and pouring rain.

"WTF? We weren't in there for that long." Leon remarks. His radio screeches to life at that moment. He screams in shock but answers immediately, his cool-guy act back on. "Yo, this is Leon, if I've slept with you before, then I'm not around, and that I'm sorry too. Should you want to resolve the issue with more sex, then I WILL call you back ASAP."

Hunnigan is not amused. She glares at him through the little radio screen thingy that appears out of nowhere. "That's wonderful, Leon. Have you extricated the subject, already?"

Leon looks over at Ashley standing behind him. She notices his crazed expression and inches over towards Snake, who doesn't seem to notice.

"Hunnigan…" Leon starts, his tone bewildered. "I don't think she even has balls. Even if she does, I won't be the one to do that!"

Hunnigan's eyes go wide. "How can you be so fucking stupid? I said EXTRICATE, not CASTRATE!"

"Ooooooooh." Leon nods. "What does that mean?"

She just shakes her head. "Just get her to the evac chopper outside the pueblo, Leon. Make sure she isn't injured!"

"…Why can't the chopper just come pick us up from here? This game would be OVER like THAT." He gives three exaggerated finger clicks with a hip jerk of his head.

"I can't do that Leon. Who would want the game to end there?"

Ashley raises her hand. "I would."

No one notices her. She puts her hand down slowly.

"Whatever, Hunnigan. I'll be there eventually." Leon clicks the radio off and turns to his companions. "Well you heard her, we gotta mosey over to the castration point and get carried out of this shithole."

Snake raises his eyebrows. "What the hell did you just say?"

Before Leon could retort, he spotted an array of Ganado's standing around the downward slope next to the cemetery. On top of the slope sat a carriage that was obviously going to be used in some way because it was graphically different than everything else. In other words, it stood out like dog's balls. The barrels inside the carriage read: MOO MOO MILK.

"Okay, here's the plan!" Leon exclaims, pointing at the carriage. "We all dress up like cowboys and ride that baby all the way home!"

Snake narrows his eyes. Ashley seems about to jump at the idea, until she notices Snake isn't impressed, so she stays quiet.

"I have a better idea, Leon." Snake says, drawing his gun.

Leon cheers in delight. "Of course! We can kill Ashley and rowboat out of here on a lake of blood!"

Snake recoils, disgusted. "Don't be so stupid! She doesn't have that much blood in her."

"I do too!" Ashley stomps forward, pouting like a baby.

"Quiet, you!" Leon snaps, kicking the carriage with a backwards heel. Naturally, it rolls down the slope and runs a few of the Ganado's over before crashing into a wall and exploded spectacularly; sending flaming coils ripping into the air like a macabre fireworks display from hell.

"Jesus Christ! Wasn't that thing full of milk?" Snake gapes in disbelief.

Leon smirks boyishly. "Tch, this world doesn't have to make sense." He then shares a wink with the golden pixie sitting on his shoulder.

"Fine, whatever, let's get to the chawpa." Snake replies, walking onwards. Ashley is quick to catch up; following _very _closely behind him. Again, Leon doesn't fail to notice this. He decided he would do something sweet and charming to win Ashley over. Sure he really didn't give a flying fuck about the whiny little girl, but she was _supposed _to fall for _him. _That gave him the pleasure of blowing her off when she eventually asked him for some overtime, even though he was sure he'd be doing nothing for the next few months; save breathing and stealing jackets from random hobos.

Leon fidgeted with the perfect crimson ruby crammed in his pocket. He didn't remember when (or if) he had obtained it, but he was pretty sure Ashley would like it.

With this thought in mind, Leon catches up with the two.

"Hey, Snake." Leon calls over. Snake stops his advance and looks at him curiously. "Could you check up ahead for hostiles? Reconnaissance and stealth is your specialty isn't it?"

Snake hardens his features. "Of course. Just wait here for a minute." With that, he bounds off and leaves through the door at the end of the path; leaving Leon alone with Ashley.

A few awkward seconds pass, with Ashley crossing her arms across her chest defensively; gently rocking side to side on her foot whilst averting any eye-contact. Leon summons up his courage and steps up to her, causing her to noticeably stiffen at his approach. The rain seemed to soften around them, turning more to a quiet spray that glistened through the moonlight; almost giving the image of walking among millions of tiny stars.

"Ashley." Leon said quietly; his voice calm and sincere, laced with melodious understanding.

She looks up at him, surprised. At first, she stared at him with quiet fear in her eyes. But when she noticed the way Leon was gazing at her with such unwavering emotion, she couldn't help but let her own feelings soften towards the beautiful warm aura that his ocean-blue eyes instilled her with.

"…Yes?" she replies quietly, unsure is she had actually formed the words. Leon steps a little closer. Ashley can feel her heart beating hard in her chest. It felt silly but Ashley felt as if Leon would see this; see her very feelings displayed for all too see. It made her knees weak and shaking to think that, so all she could do was clench her hands over her sternum as tight as she could. The soft rain continued to glaze over her silky skin, causing her to shiver slightly. A subconscious part of her mind wanted to simply fall into Leon's embrace; to feel his warmth spread throughout her very soul like a joyful fire that would grant her the wish of living in everlasting bliss.

"I have something for you." Leon says in that same warm tone, reaching for something in his pants' pocket. He grimaces a little attempting to fish it out. Ashley just continues to gaze at him in loving disbelief.

Leon almost has the object, albeit with increasing difficulty. Finally, his hand falls upon the ruby and with all his strength, pulls it from his pocket.

"And…here…it….IS!" Leon yells, his hand ripping out from his pocket with much more ease than he had expected; causing his balled up fist to drive into Ashley's stomach.

Her eyes bulge out of her head with the impact, throwing her into the air and landing with a sickening splat onto the muddy floor ten feet away.

Leon stares in astonishment. "…Holy Crap…" He brings the crimson ruby closer for a better look. "I was going to give this away?"

At that moment, Snake returns from his little recon mission and instantly sees Ashley sprawled on the ground, her eyes glazed over.

"Leon, what happened to her!" Snake roars. Leon quickly pockets the diamond, trying to look innocent.

"She…uhhh….tried to do a backflip, to show me off, y'know. I warned her, man." He shakes his head in pity. "Didn't I tell you so, Ashley?"

Snake is already helping Ashley to her feet. She is clearly off her face.

"Ya, sure, Leoooon." She mumbles stupidly as Snake stood her up. He then turned his glaring eyes towards Leon, letting go of Ashley in the process, who ever-so-slowly teeters over and collapses; smiling widely the whole way down.

"You're supposed to take care of her!" Snake hisses (hehe)

Leon screws his face up. "Allright, man. Let's just go then. Unless Ashley wants to pull another idiotic stunt?"

"Blurgghgghg…" Ashley drools.

"That's what I thought."

Snake coughs slightly. "Allright, whatever. Let's move along before the readers get bored."

Leon blinked. "What…?"

"Nothing."

So the trio traversed onwards once again, with Ashley complaining about a broken rib for a while, to which Leon was quick to question her state of mind. Eventually, they made it back to the first village of the game once again. But now it was all dark and spooky-like.

A lone Ganado approaches them from out nowhere. Leon and Snake waste no time in drawing their pistols and sending the threat sprawling to the floor in a hail of hot lead. However, the Ganado stands up once again, it's head exploding shortly afterward; revealing the incredibly annoying and ammo-wasting plagas parasite whipping out randomly from the severed neck cavity.

"WTF, seriously." Leon says groggily; feeling his stomach churn.

Snake fires a few quick shots at the Ganado's body, but the bullets simply punch into its flesh without slowing it down at all.

"Oh, shit. They never had a VR simulation of this!" Snake yells. Ashley simply cowers behind the two men, useless as ever.

Leon's eyes suddenly light up when his brain conjures another splendid idea!

"I have a splendid idea!" Leon exclaims. He pulls out a small grenade canister painted in faded light blue. The label read: FLASHBANG.

Snake nods in approval. "Nice one."

"Allright, watch this." Leon grips the flashbang and rears his arm back. Then, with all his might, he hurls it at the Ganado and hits the parasite poking out of its head dead-on; causing it to explode violently and killing the host once and for all.

Snake glares at Leon incredously. "You didn't even pull the pin, jackass!"

"That was supposed to go down like it did!" Leon lied.

Ashley suddenly jumps in between them. "Guys, guys, guys! Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do? The war is out there, man, _out there! _Now pull it together!"

Leon and Snake stare at Ashley, at a loss for words.

"Onwards…" Ashley points forward dramatically. "…To victory."

She rushes off, leaving Leon and Snake alone.

"Maybe I didn't hit her hard enough." Leon mutters.

"What was that?" Snake asks quickly.

"Shut up, that's what."

The two raced onwards to the direction Ashley had run off to, and found her sulking in front of a yet _another _large wooden door. Though Leon hadn't even tried to open it before, he knew it was locked anyway.

"The extraction point is just beyond that door." Leon said. In reality, he had no idea where the door lead, but Snake seemed to have no clue as to a next destination either, so Leon had to take this opportunity to have Ashley lean in his favor. That meant doing whatever possible to make her like him from now on!

Ashley sneezes explosively into her cupped hands. "Here, Leon. Can you hold this?" She asked, holding out her outstretched hands.

Leon quickly obliged. As the slimy mess was transferred to his palms, Leon gave Snake a smug nod that said _How do you like this?_

Snake huffed and turned away, pretending not to care.

"Okay, then." Leon said, turning back to the door with a hand to his chin, forgetting it was covered in snot. "Looks like someone has to climb over this big ass door here and unbolt it from the other side. Are you up for it, Ashley?"

Ashley beamed, still in a mild state of delirium. "Sure thing, Leon!"

Later…

"Would you hold still, dammit!" Leon whined as he planted one of his feet on top of Ashley's head. "Why the hell did you even volunteer?"

Ashley was shaking from head to toe, trying with all her puny strength to hoist Leon over the door.

"I thought you meant…!" A dull crunching noise is heard from her back. "AIEEEEEEE!"

Leon grunts and finally clambers over the door, landing with a thud on the other side. After unlocking it and reuniting with his two 'friends', the three then set off towards another piece of shit shack across an old, rickety rope bridge.

As the three traversed it, at least 50 Ganado's appeared behind them; bearing torches and looking severely murderous. Over at the exit of the area, way across them, was another lynch mob of Ganado's. They looked to be trapped. And the only place to go was inside the crappy shack in between it all.

"What do we do, Leon!" Ashley screamed.

Leon was in a panic. He had to think of a cool reply, and fast!

"Hate to say it, but we're hamburgers, all right! Quick! Into that cabin!"

Leon hurried off towards it with Snake and Ashley in tow. Soon, they barged into the place and filed through the front door. Leon shut it behind them as his companions watched. Then, an irritably familiar voice sounded behind them.

"Leon!" It said. Leon turned around to see Luis Sera throw a tiny little stick at him, which he caught expertly. Leon looked at the stick, confused. Did Luis expect him to the bar the door with it or what?

"Small world, eh?" He remarked, walking over casually. Luis then looks over at Ashley's chest. "Ahhh, I see the president's daughter has large breasts."

Ashley gave Luis a disgusted look. "You could have at least tried a metaphor, asshole! Who are you supposed to be anyway?"

"Ho, ho, ho, excuse me, your Highness. Perhaps the young lady might want to introduce herself first, before asking someone his name?"

"It's go screw yourself, pervert!" Ashley screamed.

Luis looks over at Leon. "Is she…you know…"

"Yeah, I think so." Leon replies whilst he peered out of a window at the oncoming horde of Ganado's.

"LEON!" Ashley yells in disbelief.

Luis then notices Snake, who is already glaring at him dangerously. "What?" Luis asks. "Do you have something against crappy supporting characters or something?"

Snake doesn't give a response. He instead walks over to Leon and stands beside the same window; his gun drawn.

"Luis, how the hell did you get new arms, anyway?" Leon asks curiously.

He was about to answer when Ashley points out the window.

"Look!" she warns.

Leon and Snake follow her pointing finger to see the Ganado's close-by outside.

"You're pointing that out, WHY?" Leon explodes. "Luis, go hide upstairs!"

Luis is already dashing up the steps.

"What do I do?" Ashley squeals.

Leon opens a nearby drawer. "In here!"

"WHAT!"

Snake aimed his gun outside. "They're coming! And they look _pissed_!"

X

_With a deafening cheer, the Late Night Talk Show begins once again. This time, seated in the main leather chairs on stage, are__ the hostess and__ the one and only Albert __Wesker; wearing__ his slick black work suit and (surprise surprise) dark sunglasses.__ As the little music jingle dies down, the crowd continues screaming in jubilation. They keep going for several seconds, until: _

"**SILENCE**!"Wesker roared. The crowd immediately goes into respectful silence.

"Well, Mr Wesker. It's a mighty honor to have you on this show."

Wesker gives her a disapproving look. "Would you make this quick! Evil won't do itself!"

A bead of sweat rolls down the hostess' brow. "Ah, I'm sorry to be taking your time like this, Captain Wesker. But many RE fans look to you as the prime antagonist of the series, myself included."

Wesker remains cold and slightly annoyed. "Well isn't that just wonderful? Unfortunately, it doesn't help my plans of world domination."

The hostess opens her mouth to say something else, but a random girl from the audience smashes her way through the security personnel and wraps her arms around Wesker.

"WESKY! MARRY ME NOW!" She shrieks.

Wesker is obviously disturbed at this. "What the…! GAH! Get your hands off me, woman! You think you can overpower me?"

He tries to pry her off himself. However, her fanaticism gives her incredible fanfiction powers, allowing her to overpower him easily.

"I WUV YOOO!" She pulls him in tighter, causing him to flail his arms desperately.

"Will someone help me?" Wesker screams.

Suddenly, another fangirl leaps on to the stage and also dives on top of Wesker, knocking the chair over which then toppled off the stage, Wesker and all.

Several more girls pile up behind the barricade of security; overwhelming them completely. The entire crowd is on their feet and screaming randomly. Hunk is going around, soccer-kicking the audience chairs all over the place. A muffled yell is heard under the mountain of girls. More screaming.

The Hostess just watches the mayhem unfold calmly.

"Well…isn't this swell. I hope you enjoyed, everyone."

X

_AN: Another chappie done. __One thing I might add is that if anyone hasn't seen the trailer to Resident Evil 5, watch it now! It kicks ASS!_


	8. Cabin FEVA

_AN: __…..__Yes?__ Yeah, yeah, I know, I haven't updated in a good while. And you wanna know why? I'll tell you all when I finish this story. __- WINK!_

_Review Honors!_

_kamesen: Once again, cheers for sticking with the story, mate. And great work on Super Quest so far!_

_Nekoninja123: Yeah, that was pretty good, a rare moment for me. Thanks for reviewing._

_SeraphimLullaby: Eyyy, your last name was cooler. Still, muchas gracias for reading this._

_suicycojr95__I'm glad you enjoyed it thus far, ol chap. _

_Do as Eternity: Thanks a bunch, friend. Don't know if you're still interested in this story or not but hey, I appreciate it either way._

**Residual Meany 4**

**Capitulo Numero Ocho**

"Cabin FEVA"

Leon and Snake readied themselves for the coming storm; the army of vicious Ganado's stalking ever closer to the cabin from every possible angle. Snake eased his thumb over the safety switch on his pistol and breathed in deeply; his body rigid and stock still, laced with the scars and experience of countless battles.

"Don't hold back…" Snake said slowly, keeping his eyes locked at the approaching Ganado's.

"You don't need to remind me!" Leon snapped back. His own voice fuelling him with added confidence. He would've suggested that Luis help them out as well, but in truth, Leon didn't want any reason to be thankful of that guy at all. He didn't even really know why Luis thought he could just waltz around like he was an important part of the story. It was stupidly obvious that Luis was the typical Resident Evil 'sacrifice' of it all; ala the character that was supposedly ought to be liked by the player only to die expectantly half-way through.

But then again, he could be wrong. Maybe Luis would survive through the whole ordeal and generally be a big help along the way. At least that was more plausible than characters from previous installments coming back to life with no real explanation given. Now THAT was an incredible pile of shit.

"LEON, WAKE UP!" Snake roared over the sound of shattering glass. Leon snapped to his senses and saw the Ganado's already in the process of clambering through the windows. Snake quickly opened fire with his pistol; sending the bullets ripping into the chests of the invaders and blasting them backwards through the frames.

Leon twirled the gun in his hand and struck a pose. "Ok, are you adequately prepared to rock and or roll?"

Snake smashed one of the Ganado's in the head with a furious hook. He turned briefly to see Leon facing a wall and talking to himself.

"I COULD USE SOME HELP!"

Instantly, Leon twirled around and jumped high into the air; shrieking wildly. He soars across the room and kicks one of the assailants across the head. Then he jumps atop the fallen enemy and proceeds to beat the enemy mercilessly.

"Die! Die! Die!" He roars.

Luis Sera is being pummeled against the barrage of Leon's attack; long since smashed into a stupor. Snake spots this and throws Leon off Sera's unconscious body.

"The hell are you doing?" Snake asks, bewildered. "Are you blind or something?"

Leon is still trying to get to Sera, fighting against Snake's grip.

"That's for existing, bitch!"

The Ganado's were now swarming into the cabin relentlessly. Snake and Leon quickly found themselves overwhelmed.

"Dammit, there's too many!" Snake cursed, blasting a Ganado's head with his Socom and striking another in the face with an open palm strike. Leon was faring no better, with one Ganado gripping him in an overhead master lock whilst another belted him in the stomach multiple times.

Luis Sera slowly sat himself up from the floor, coming back to consciousness. Almost instantly, Leon charges towards him and knees the poor bastard in the head, completely knocking him out.

While all the exciting stuff's happening, Ashley was running around like a retard; flailing her arms and shrieking in different tones with each step.

Thankfully, after dispatching countless idiot clones, Leon and Snake managed to hold the Ganado's off until they retreated away from the cabin.

Luis took the opportunity to strut around the cabin; his unused gun in hand.

"So…whadda we do now?" He muttered.

Leon and Snake were resting against respective walls, exhausted from the heated encounter.

"What makes you think you're even allowed talk!" Leon roared. "You didn't even lift a finger to help us back there!"

Luis looks crushed. "B-but I'm holding a g-gun…" He points to said-firearm, his hands shaking.

Snake cracks a joint in his stiff neck and steps forward. "I think it's best if you just get the fudge out of here."

Luis looks to Leon and Snake but they just fume quietly, glaring daggers at him.

"Ashley?" Luis motions towards the blonde, but she just edges away and shakes her head furiously.

"The door's that way, douchebag." She smiled sweetly.

Luis's twitching bottom lip was already blubbered; his eyes gleamed over with tears.

"I…I'll go now." He whimpered and curtly left through a nearby window, slicing his hands on the glass shards protruding from the frame.

Snake shook his head in pity. "The front door was open, y'know."

"Allright!" Leon shouted, pumping his fist into the air, causing Ashley to scream briefly. "I think it's about bloody time this story started making some damn bloody progress!"

Snake eyed him strangely. "Story…? Hey!" He quickly followed as Leon was already bolting out of the cabin.

Later, Snake met up with Leon in a little alcove encased in wooden palisades. Leon was studying a lever before him which turned either left or right. He snapped his fingers cheerfully and came to the conclusion that kicking the lever forward was the way to go; snapping the poor thing from the base like a toothpick.

"I think…" Snake said from beside Leon. "You should stop pretending like you know what you're doing."

"No deal." Leon replied quickly, turning to Ashley as she approached from behind the two. "Since the lever broke of its own accord…" Snake rolled his eyes in the background. "…It looks like we'll have to climb over this here structure and continue onwards. Ashley, how's your back?"

Ashley glared at him. "You split my spine in two last time. I'm surprised I still have use of my brain, let alone still being able to walk."

Leon cocked an eyebrow. "Your point being?"

"She won't do it, Leon." Snake sighed. "Look, just give me a minute to think about this…"

Leon smiled insanely to himself. "How about, NO! Just watch me in action!"

He struck a stupid pose and shrieked at the top of his lungs.

Snake shook his head sadly. "Now what the hell is he going to-"

(Seconds later)

"AMAZING!" Snake bellowed, dumbstruck. "I cannot believe just how incredible that was!"

The trio had magically passed onto the next area; the large narrow canyon with the big boulders hanging precariously from the ledges above.

"Leon, you're, _you're…._" Ashley stammered in mute shock.

The look of total and absolute smugness on Leon's face was unbelievable. But of course, with the act he just pulled, could anyone really blame him?

"Leon." Snake gave him a friendly chop in the shoulder. "You have to tell me how you just did that. It was just…wow."

Leon's smirk became even wider. Well, he supposed he might divulge the slightest of his secrets to these mere mortals before him.

"Gather my children, as I tell of a tale of the mightiest of my abilities." He began dramatically, waving his arms around in big circles. Ashley and Snake huddled at his feet and stared up at him with big watery star-filled eyes. "I will start by recounting my greatest feat of-"

It was that precise moment that the Gigantes decided to drop in on the heroes. His huge mass erupted onto the earth with a splitting shockwave as its 2 ton frame collided with the floor, kicking up a wave of roiling dirt.

"Woah, shit!" Leon yelled , cutting his speech off. He spun on the spot as the Gigantes spread its massive arms and roared fiercely, almost toppling Leon over with the force. "The hell is this thing?"

Snake rushed to his side, gun ready. "I don't know, but it feels like you were supposed to fight one already. I thought its entrance felt a little anti-climatic."

Leon grit his teeth and armed himself also. "Well thanks for that fourth-wall bullshit but this ain't the time. My choice is to just run our asses off on this one."

Snake huffed, adjusting his bandana. "Heh, so the first thing you wanna do is-" The Gigantes promptly ripped a huge tree trunk from the ground and propped the giant makeshift weapon on its shoulder like a baseball bat, then chuckled darkly in a deep hoarse tone. "—run the fuck out of here, I'm with you."

As the Gigantes approached slowly, each thundering step causing the canyon walls to reverberate, Ashley suddenly pointed skywards at one of the big boulder thingies.

"Leon! Up there!" She shrieked, hopping up and down on the spot like a maniac.

Leon looked up at where she was pointing and saw the graphically badly-designed boulder. He noticed the little plank that held it in place also.

The Gigantes moved in, the boulder almost directly above it now. Leon looked to the Gigantes calmly, then the boulder, then the Gigantes again…then the boulder once more.

Then something clicked in Leon's brain. He shot an enthusiastic finger into the air and screamed joyfully.

"I GOT…NOTHING! LET"S RUN!"

And so, they bolted for their lives, leaving the hideously deformed creature behind. And I don't mean the Gigantes.

"DON"T LEAVE ME!" Ashley shrieked, running after them.

Ashley belied her strength and quickly caught up to the two, to which Leon groaned angrily.

"Crap, she caught up to us!" Leon growled.

Snake ignored the comment and shoulder-charged the opposing wooden door, shattering the chains that held it place like glass, opening a new area.

The Gigantes was closing quickly, smashing its way through all manner of shit that got in its way, roaring madly the whole way.

"It's gaining on us!" Leon yelled.

"No we just aren't running fast enough!"

"AIEEEEE!"

Then, right on cue, another _brilliant _idea sprung to Leon's mind.

"I've got a plan!" Leon announced as he ran. "Snake! Hand me your bandana!"

Snake quickly handed it over without argument.

Leon quickly snatched it and fixed it on his own head, giggling with glee.

"Yeah! I look awesome!"

Snake slapped him upside the head.

"What kind of fucked up plan was that!" He screamed hysterically.

Leon glared at him spitefully. "I'm still working on it!" He then pulled the bandana off his head and jammed it on Ashley's as she ran beside him. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, the bandana effectively covered her eyes completely, blinding her.

Ashley screamed and pried madly at it to no avail before catching a pothole in the ground and crashing spectacularly to the floor in a cloud of dust; complete with car crashing sound effects.

"Ashley's down!" Snake yelled in alarm. He dramatically swiveled around on the spot and screeched to a halt, ready to face the Gigantes. Leon dashed off in the distance, fully aware of the situation.

Coughing and retching, Ashley sat herself up from the floor after the fall, rubbing her swollen ass gingerly. She pulled the bandana off her head slightly only to see the Gigantes already looming over her.

"Meep!" She slowly re-applied the bandana to her eyes and sat there patiently, hoping the monster wouldn't see her.

Not a second had passed before the Gigantes scooped her up from the floor and began crushing her tiny frame in its meaty hands. (Man, I'm running low on Synonyms here.)

Snake charged heroically at the monster, firing his Socom pistol at its arms in a hopeless bid to free Ashley from its grip.

However, it was at this point that Ashley decided to scream…

…Loud.

Here's some imagery to help you out.

A fireworks factory exploding.

The Hindenburg blimp bursting into flames in the air.

Chuck Norris.

A Nasa space launch incinerated on takeoff.

Every sun and subatomic particle in the entire universe going supernova at exactly the same time.

Chuck Norris.

Yeah it was loud, and big.

The Gigantes holding her simply exploded where it stood; all its body matter mysteriously melting away afterwards, leaving behind three perfect gold bars that it had eaten previously.

Luckily, Snake had seen it coming and had covered his ears just in time, sparing his life.

"Woah, you should join Foxhound, Ashley. I think your codename could be…"

"Shrieking Bimbo, the torture expert." Leon proclaimed, appearing beside Snake out of nowhere.

Ashley just stood petrified, totally bamboozled at what had transpired.

"Thanks a bunch, Leon. Where the fuck did you run off too?" Snake growled.

Leon shot him an impetuous look. "For your information, I was busy unlocking the door out of here with an Old Key!"

Registered Trademark.

"Whatever." Snake turned back to Ashley who was still rooted to the spot in confusion. "Come on, we have to keep moving, you'll be safe at home soon." He cooed.

Ashley gazed at him, mesmerized by the heartfelt soldier.

Snake walked off with Ashley following, clutching his forearm like a giddy schoolgirl.

Leon watched them go with that familiar testy tang titillating his triturated tongue.

"Wait, that didn't make shit sense." Leon spoke out loud.

Leon's balls started doing the thinking.

"Oh, right. Riiight…!" Leon smirked. He'd be damned if Snake got the girl by the end of this mission! He had to think of another gift, and _fast!_

As Snake and Ashley continued walking along, they heard Leon scream from somewhere behind them.

"ASHLEY! THIS IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU!"

She turned around, puzzled, only to have her nose shattered by a flying gold brick.

"The FUCK are you doing?"

Once again, the filler-fest of the Late Night Talk show started once more, the cheesy intro music hailing the beginning of the episode.

"Welcome ladies and gentlemen, to the Talk Show!" The hostess started jubilantly. "I know it's been quite a while since our last episode, but the production costs of having to repair the studio each time you people trash it is slowing us down quite a bit…"

The crowd cheers.

"Uhhh, that really wasn't a joke…I myself am having great trouble paying the rent and-"

Crowd cheers even louder, key members whistling and hooting hysterically.

"Well, nevermind, let's bring on the special guests of this episode. Let's all welcome back Leon Scott Kennedy!"

Leon walks in, blowing kisses to random people in the audience; his intro music hip and contemporary.

"Glad to have you back on the show Mr Kennedy…"

"Yeah and don't you know it, girlfriend." He replied snappily, avoiding any eye contact.

"Well, uh, the real reason I invited you back here was to do a little comparison work…"

"Comparison?" Leon screamed. "I knew you were a lunatic when I saw your hairstyle!"

"What's wrong with my hair?" The hostess inquired politely.

"How should I know? I don't even know what you look like!"

"Well, in any case, let's bring on our next special guest. The new and upcoming star of the much highly anticipated Resident Evil 5! Let's give a big hand to Chris Redfield!"

The crowd goes bonkers as Chris appears from behind the curtains, waving modestly at the crowd. He calmly takes a seat and smiles at the hostess, all the while Leon glares acidly at him, his eyes narrowed.

"Thanks for having me on the show, Miss." Said Chris, rubbing his manly unshaven chin. Compared to Leon, Chris' character model was meticulously rendered, looking more than next gen.

"No problem at all." The hostess replied, smiling. "Now Mr Redfield, let me ask a question that many an RE fan would like to know. When is Resident Evil 5 going to be released?"

Chris pursed his lips and continued rubbing his short beard. The audience sat forward in anticipation, mouths agape.

"Well my sources say that you will be able to see me in action as early as October this year, unlike the rumored 2009 release." (No bullshit)

The audience gasps and begin talking amongst one another in hushed voices.

"Woah, there, lady. I have an important question." Leon asked in a whiny tone, standing up from his respective sofa. Chris eyed him strangely from his own seat, noticing him for the first time. "Will I be featured in Resident Evil 5?"

"I think there's a chance you might have a menial or supporting role." The hostess answered truthfully. "Not that much is known at the moment."

Leon's eyes boggled. "Menial? SUPPORTING! LET'S TEAR THIS PLACE APART!"

The crowd continued talking amongst themselves on the subject of RE5, never noticing Leon had decided to speak.

Chris patted Leon on the back. "Don't sweat it man. Sometimes you just have to let someone else take the spotlight."

Leon broke down in tears where he stood. Hunk walked in briefly to gently escort him off the stage.

"Well, I too am excited about Resident Evil 5. Maybe this story will be finished before its released?"

The crowd erupts in hysterical laughter.

"Heh, heh. Yeah, sure. Join us next episode everyone."

The music jingle starts up again as the crowd continues laughing themselves stupid.

TBC

_AN: NnnnnnnnEXT!_


	9. I'm a Balls Man Myself

_AN: Who cares what I have to say? Enjoy the fic!_

_Special People (The good kind)_

_Ice Wind1, Nekoninja123, shymouse, Seraphim Lullaby, King Cobra582, Do As Eternity, Kelley28 and Ereneviana. _

_Thanks sooo much for reviewing, guys. Also much kudos to shymouse for the PM. This chapter's for you, buddy._

**Residual Meany 4**

**Chaper 9Nine9**

"I'm a Balls Man Myself"

It was an awkward situation. Leon couldn't recall the last time he had felt so uncomfortable. The three were standing inside a heinously unsafe railcar that led across a chasm leading who-knows-where. Snake and Ashley stood on one end, glaring at Leon. Ashley's face was covered in bloody bandages around her nose area; pus and other unspeakable liquids seeped out of the crevices and dripped onto her orange sweater, staining it a bloody brown. Yeah, she looked pretty good. Leon stood opposite to them, avoiding any eye contact, hoping something would happen to get the attention off him.

A random Ganado from out of nowhere answered the call by launching himself heroically at the railcar, jolting it violently upon impact. The guy started to hack away at the railcar's restraints with a rusty axe, screaming insanely.

"Damn!" Snake growled, fighting for balance as the railcar rocked back and forth uncontrollably. Ashley shrieked and lost her footing, slamming her shattered nose onto the railing with a loud metallic clang.

Leon didn't have time to laugh, as he spotted several other Ganado's in the railcar opposite; their axes and sickles poised to go airborne.

"Snake! Ahead of us!" Leon yelled, readying his TMP, again with no idea how he had got it in the first place.

"Little busy." Snake snapped back, socking the Ganado above them in the balls with his bare fist. The guy hollered and grabbed his crotch, toppling over falling into the chasm below, holding his nads the whole way down.

The railcar still shook randomly, nearly knocking Snake over the handrail.

"The hell?" He seethed. Snake looked over to see Leon rocking the railcar side-to-side, giggling as Ashley's unconscious body rolled to and fro; slamming into the walls.

Leon noticed Snake giving him a death glare, so he instantly stopped, Ashley's body coming to a halt at his feet.

A hail of projectiles started crashing into their railcar, causing both soldiers to dive to the floor for cover.

"Dammit, we're pinned." Snake said gruffly, leaning against the waist-high wall, his Socom pistol already in hand.

"To hell with this chicken-shit. Watch and learn." Leon yelled, bolting upright from the floor. He ripped out a shriek that would make babies cry briefly, and started to fire his TMP wildly at the projectiles and their attackers beyond.

The Ganado's in the railcar opposite were barely hit by any of the bullets, but they decided to be dramatic and leap off to their doom anyway.

"Hah! See you next fall!" Leon chirped, taking a bi-curious pose.

Snake winced. "My god man, who writes your shit?"

"Blehhhrgg…" Ashley drooled from the floor.

"See?" Leon replied sternly. "At least she likes it."

After the exciting ride across, the trio moved onwards with little happening for a while.

"Hey." Leon spoke up, stopping in place, his two companions noticed Leon's lack of forward movement and stopped also. "I feel…something _really_ strange is happening."

Snake was already smirking sarcastically. "Great. Coming from you, now I'm really worried."

Leon turned around and stared into Snake's eyes.

Snake almost did a double take upon noticing Leon's expression.

He was _serious. _Leon actually had something serious to say.

"What is it?" Snake asked quietly, sensing the air of tension.

Leon took a slow, deep breath, releasing it in a melancholy sigh.

"It's just that, I've been trying to deny it…but…for so long I thought I knew what I was…in the end I realize that…"

"You're gay?" Ashley chimed in merrily. She was serious.

A crushing haymaker later, Leon continued.

"I don't know how to tell you this, Snake…"

"Tell me what happened." Snake frowned, his tone staying concerned. He ignored Ashley's twitching body at his feet for now.

"I've become redundant." Leon breathed dramatically, as if a huge weight had been lifted from his psyche.

"Eh?" Snake was confused. "The hell-"

"I'm old news!" Leon yelled, cutting him off. "I might not even be in the next Resident Evil!"

Snake almost threw up.

"THAT'S your big revelation? Pathetic. Here I thought you actually had something important to say."

"You just don't get it!" Leon shot back, stomping his foot down.

"I obviously don't."

"Listen, Resident Evil 5 is due to release early next year. And I've watched all the trailers AND YOU KNOW WHAT?"

Snake sighed, rubbing his temples. Did he really have to? He might as well just get it out of the way.

"…What?"

"I AIN'T IN IT MAN!"

"Wow, really?" Snake rolled his eyes. "That's tragic."

"Yeah, I know. I mean, who even plays Resident Evil 4 anymore? I'm old news. A memory. A footnote! A fucking afternoon special!"

Snake shook his head. "Relax, Leon. Time goes on. We all have to pass the torch at some point."

"Pass the torch! To CHRIS REDFIELD? I'D RATHER BE DEAD! THEN I"D RETRY AND BE DEAD AGAIN!"

"Enough with the screaming!" Snake covered his ears briefly. "Just get over it already!"

Leon was on a verge of another breakdown. Normally, he usually had someone around to help him with his frustrations, but Ashley was already knocked out, and Snake would put up a fight. To add to his aggravation, the huge door with the laser eye reader in front of him refused to move.

"Uhh, hey guys, I heard some girl scream out my name from over here…"

Leon froze at the voice coming from behind him. He knew that voice, it was…

Chris Redfield was standing there, in all his next gen graphics glory. The look of pure modest heroism and good guy-ness made Leon sick.

"Ohhhh, hey Chris. Y'know what…me and my posse where just moving along… so…" Leon started.

"Oh my god! What happened to that poor girl?" Chris gasped melodramatically. He rushed to Ashley's prone body and raised her up by her shoulders gently.

She groaned a little and opened one of her eyes an inch.

"Who..are you?" She croaked.

"I'm Chris Redfield. I'm here to help." He replied in his big boy voice.

Corny Japanese love music started playing in the background as a glossy filter complete with multi-coloured love bubbles surrounded the two.

Ashley's eyes went all glistening watery-like as she blushed furiously, feeling her heart fluttering erratically in her chest.

"This looks familiar…" Snake grumbled, already annoyed by the disgustingly sweet change of atmosphere.

Leon just stared incredously at the scene unfolding before him, his jaw literally dropping to the floor.

"Enough!" Leon screamed, snapping Chris and Ashley from the moment. "Why does this keep happening!"

Chris stood up quickly, fuming and helping Ashley to her feet. "What's your problem, buddy?"

"My problem is that you can't just show up out of nowhere and be a part of the story!"

Elsewhere, Ada Wong started crying hysterically.

"Hey!" Snake yelled, stepping in between the two. "Let's just get the story moving already! I'm sick of all this pointless crap getting in the way!"

Leon and Chris calmed down a bit. They swapped a brief glance, before looking away with a collective 'hmph!'

Snake just sighed. "Forget it. Let's just go." He scooped Ashley's body from the floor and flipped her over his shoulder. "You coming?" Snake nodded in Chris' direction, to which the man simply shrugged.

"You can't be serious, Snake!" Leon hollered, throwing his arms around like a maniac long after he had finished talking.

"Oh I am serious. Did you really think I'd be able to put up with you for the entire story? At least now I'll have someone with some brains to relate to."

Snake turned to Chris, who had apparently gone cross-eyed.

"Hey!" Snake snapped his fingers in Chris' face, which caused the guy to shriek uncontrollably for a few seconds, swatting his hands at unseen demons.

Leon found this hysterical. "Ha! Look a' im'. All scawed like!"

"Ooooh, fuck." Snake slapped his forehead.

(SCENE SHIFT! OMFG!)

After much bitching and arguing, Leon and Chris had had enough of each other and settled down for a while. They both followed Snake along a winding path wrought with excitement until they reached an ominous-looking barn; it's rotten wooden frame basked in the midnight blue of the moon.

"Allright, I can tell that something's going to happen in there." Snake mentioned to Leon and Chris. "I say we just barge in there and see what happens."

Leon blinked, perplexed. "Really? I thought you'd suggest some pansy-ass plan of yours. Why the change in pace?"

Snake shifted Ashley's unconscious body from his shoulder a bit. "The truth is, she's really starting to stink."

Chris stepped forward defensively. "Hey! She has a lively and jubilant personality!"

Ashley coughed. Snake eyed her. "Huh?"

"How would you know that, Chrissy?" Leon retorts, hand on hip. "I'm hoping that by lively you mean annoying as fuck."

Chris narrowed his eyes angrily, staring the other main character down. "How could you resist her charms? Her angelic aura of beauty instills me with unfathomable emotions."

Ashley twitched in Snake's grip, to which he rolled his eyes. "You're awake aren't you?"

Leon and Chris stopped arguing at Snake's words.

"Say what?"

"What did you say?"

Snake smirked. "She's been awake this whole time." He turned to Ashley's limp head resting on his chest. "Any reason why you didn't tell me this earlier?"

A short pause.

"I didn't feel like walking."

_Whump! _Ashley's ass met dirt.

"Hey careful with her!" Chris protested.

"Ah, well. It was fun for a while." Ashley sniffed. She looked up at Chris, her face flushed and red. "Did…you really mean what you said about me back there?"

Chris' eyes widened a bit. Snake and Leon watched the scene silently, waiting for a perfect opportunity to ruin it.

"W-w-well…" He stammered, shaking all over.

Ashley's big watery eyes gazed up at him adoringly, like a mistreated puppy being praised for the first time.

Then, on impulse, she placed her hand on Chris' foot.

"Come on, just tell-"

SPLACK!

"AIIIIEEEEEEEEE!" Ashley shrieked, her face suddenly smeared in blood and snot.

"Oh, man! Not again!" Chris screamed, desperately trying to clean the mess that had ripped out his nose. He bent over Ashley's spasming body, trying to smother her face with his undershirt in an effort to help. He tripped instead and landed atop her as both of them started to scream horribly, more blood spewing out of Chris' nose.

Snake watched the scene unfold with a blank expression. Leon just laughed himself stupid beside him.

"Hooah! Oh, man! Sure is a hit with the ladies, eh?" Leon nudged Snake in the ribs playfully.

Snake didn't return the gesture. "As opposed to peeing yourself and exploding in your pants?"

Leon stopped laughing. "Ow."

After the unfortunate event, the four found themselves in the interior of the barn somehow. Before any of them could question just the hell had happened, Leon suddenly started emitting horrible retching noises. The other three turned to him to see Mendez lifting Leon up off the floor by his groin.

"Woah! The hell is this guy?"

"Leon!"

Mendez stared into Leon's bulging eyes with a sick fascination.

"How long have I waited to get to do this again?" Mendez smiles, clearly overjoyed. At least until Snake shot him in the balls.

Yes you read that right.

"HOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!"

Leon falls to the floor in a heap as Mendez grips his jewels with his massive hands as he hopped all over the place in agony.

"Shit." Leon coughed from the floor, also clutching his groin. "That was just harsh. And I've just had my balls crushed."

After the pain finally passed, Mendez threw a death glare in Snake's direction.

Snake gulped, but kept his cool.

"My balllsssssss…" Mendez hissed acidly. "Enjoy yours while you can."

Mendez leapt forward with a huge punch aimed at Snake, who ducked out of the way just in time. The fist continued to fly and found a home on the bridge of Chris' nose. The ensuing impact knocked the man clear off his feet and sent his body ricocheting off a red barrel in the corner of the room, spewing the contents of said barrel all over the floor.

Snake regained his footing after the evasion to see Chris hit the floor painfully as Ashley stared in shock at the unfolding chaos.

Mendez rounded on Snake with a speed that belied someone of his size. Before Snake could even get his finger on the trigger, Mendez was already there, snatching his gun hand at the wrist.

"Arggghh…." Snake growled fiercely, fighting with all his strength to aim his gun at Mendez, who easily over-powered him. Another second later, all feeling left Snake's hand, causing him to drop his pistol, leaving him defenseless.

Mendez raised his free hand above his head, his huge knuckles ready to rip Snake's head off.

"Fuck." Snake coughed.

Then, out of the corner of his eye, a jacket-less figure flew through the air and landed a perfect spinning roundhouse kick into Mendez' face. Something cracked disgustingly under the foot and Mendez was thrown back with the force of the attack, landing with a barn-shaking thud onto the dusty wooden floor, also letting go of Snake's hand on the way down.

"Ha! Catch that you ball-groping BITCH!" Leon yelled triumphantly, helping the fallen Snake to his feet.

Mendez quickly recovered from the floor, now covered in a petrol-smelling substance. He glared Leon and Snake down, his demented face twisted in fury as the veins in his forehead throbbed disgustingly.

Leon and Snake readied themselves for what came next. Mendez took a step toward them but not one more before a red barrel came rolling out of nowhere behind him, tripping the huge idiot over.

"That's how I roll, buddy!" Chris exclaimed from the other end of the room.

Leon flinched. _Damn that's good. _

On cue, Snake took aim with his pistol and fired a single shot into the barrel. An instant of eerie silence, then a massive fireball blasted outwards from the barrel, throwing everyone back as the inside of the barn was engulfed in blinding flame. Mendez' body was consumed in the explosion, disappearing from sight as the flames crawled up the walls and ate away at the barn's integrity.

Leon was the first to recover from the explosion; having leapt clear from the blast. He squinted his eyes through the choking smoke, spotting a massive figure were Mendez was once standing.

"Oh…balls." He groaned.

Mendez had transformed into his buttfugly second form, which ironically, made him much less dangerous than the cut scenes would lead one to believe.

Leon amused himself for a while, running from one end of the flaming barn to the other, simply popping Mendez with his guns whilst keeping his distance.

"BLARRGHH!" Mendez screamed as his upper torso fell away from his legs, leaving a flim of gooey shit splattering all over the floor.

Chris and Snake appeared beside Leon, startling him.

"AIEEE! Oh man, it's you two." Leon growled. "Where were you guys?"

"No time to fill in plot holes. Let's finish him off now!" Chris exclaimed. Snake nodded in agreement.

The three let out primal screams and fired every single bullet they had into Mendez, destroying him in an overly long descriptive paragraph of macabre violence.

"Yay!" Leon and Chris leaped into the air, arms outstretched. Snake just lit a cigarette on a spot flame, which happened to be atop Ashley's head.

Ashley ran circles around the three men before smashing through one of the walls, leaving a flaming exit.

After they all escaped from the barn as it crumbled to burning ashes behind them, Leon, Chris and Snake fell to the floor, exhausted.

"Damn." Leon panted, coughing erratically. "I'm just going to lie down for a bit."

"Ditto, ack…" Chris gagged on smoke.

Snake took a long drag from his cig and extinguished it in the dirt. He tripped the still-flaming Ashley as she ran past, ploughing her head into the floor and extinguishing her as well.

"Hey, Leon…" Snake called out as he stared at the ash-covered sky.

"Yah?" Leon replied, too tired to turn to his companion.

"When Resident Evil 5 is released, what're you going to do?"

Leon was silent for a second before sighing heavily. "I haven't thought about that. But you know what…I'm fine with that."

Snake coughed, looking over at Leon. "Is that right?"

"Yeah, because I'm not dead. I'm still part of the RE universe as a canon character. Maybe not in RE5, but someday, I will return."

"I like being a main character." Chris smiled widely. Snake and Leon were too tired to beat him to death.

Ashley got to her feet, her hair completely singed, looking like she'd just stuck a fork inside a wet toaster.

"I can't wait till I get my very own Resident Evil game!" She cheered.

Leon and Snake instantly explode into uncontrollable laughter, literally roaring themselves stupid.

_TO BE CONTINUED AIGHT_

The stage lights blaze to life unto the stage of the Resident Evil Talk show. The crowd break into jubilant applause as the hostess walks on stage, waving modestly, and takes a seat on one of the red sofa chairs under the spotlight.

"Greetings to all you faithful RE fans out there." She started, smiling widely. "It's been quite a while since our last show, but we here try to do our best in delivering a stellar performance despite troubles in our off-stage lives."

The crowd claps politely.

"Today we have a rather peculiar guest. She is the heroine sidekick of Chris Redfield in Resident Evil 5. Give it up for Sheva Alomar!"

Several people in the crowd become confused, whispering to one another skeptically. Some people clap a little but quickly stop when they realize hardly anyone joining in. Leon, sitting near the front, says loudly: "Who the fuck?"

A woman of Spanish descent walks on stage, dressed in a tank top bristling with holsters and the like, and military cargo pants. She appears to be a little embarrassed at her entry, but takes a seat next to the hostess, remaining polite.

"Welcome on the show Ms Alomar."

She smiles nicely. "Oh, of course. You're much too kind."

"It's my pleasure. So how does it feel to be a part of the one most highly anticipated games in recent gaming history?"

Sheva shrugs a little. "Well, it's very exciting. I just hope fans of the series will come to know me better when RE5 is released."

"About that…" Hostess props her chin atop her lightly-clenched hands. "The release date has been pushed back from this October to March 13 next year, hasn't it?"

The crowd give a collective awwwww of disappointment. Leon starts clapping loudly, netting him several angry glares from people around him.

"Onto something else, Ms Alomar. Is it true that RE5 will support full co-op support offline and on?"

No one in the audience dare breathe as they wait in anticipation for an answer. Even Hunk waits apprehensively off-stage, his various crew members and engineers keenly listening in from around him.

"Yes, it has been confirmed by the producers that RE5 will definitely have an option for full cooperative gameplay."

The madness that erupts in the audience would make the rapture look like a tea party gone wrong. Chairs were ripped from the floor, people flung through the air, Leon shrieking in terror as he was consumed by the mob like quicksand, his last gesture before disappearing a solemn thumbs-up.

Riot police and every other department of safety burst through the entrance doors, only to be quickly overwhelmed by the ravenous masses.

Sheva Alomar was clearly shocked at the insanity her words had caused. She looked over the hostess, who was calmly taking a sip of water. Hunk rushes in from behind the curtains, snatches the glass from the hostess' hand, and smashes it to powder on the floor before ninja rolling out of sight.

"Well, I should've seen this coming…" The hostess grins shakily. "Care to take us out, Ms Alomar?"

Sheva looks at her bewildered, but complies. "Uh, umm, till next time, everyone."

A flaming stage light crashes onto the stage as more explosions and yelling ring out all over the place, signaling the end of another episode.

_X_

_AN: Muchas Gracias. Please let me have it. _

_Ciao!_


	10. They Built a Ramp!

AN: Wow, just wow. Am I really doing this? I can be _such _a bitch when it comes to getting things done. Wether it be Uni assignments, bills, calling someone back, or even fixing my hair in the morning. I guess I've always been careless and lazy. Very sorry. And I'd completely undestand if I get flamed to high heaven. Right, let's get things FINALLY rolling. Also, special thanks to LittleMonsterMaggot for some helpful encouragement.

**Residual Meany 4**

_Chaper 10_

"_They Built a Ramp!"_

'Woah! WOAH!' Leon screamed shrilly, falling to his knees just outside the eye-scanning door. Snake and Chris just watched him curiously, sharing a concerned look.

'Leon! Bro! What's wrong, man!' Chris asked in alarm, tugging at the fallen mans' shoulders with excessive force.

'Lemme go!' Leon roared and pushed him off roughly.

'Another epiphany?' Snake stepped in.

'Yeah. This one was HUGE.'

'What did you see?' Ashley chimed in, appearing for the first time since the dawn of existence.

'I saw…' He paused dramatically, then his eyes bulged. 'MYSELF. I shot the zombie President.'

An awkward silence followed.

'Kay, let's move.' Snake nodded and took the lead. The three followed close by, with Ashley clambering onto Chris' back and leading him forward with a dangling yellow herb on a stick.

Then, excitement! A short cut scene showcased a beat-up truck rolling down the hill towards them at speed, blaring its stupidly annoying horn unnecessarily.

'Truck! Kill it!' Leon yelled, drawing his pistol. Snake echoed the motion, but before either of them fired off a shot, a hulking gorilla dressed like Chris Redfield charged right toward it with his over-sized mitts at the ready.

'The HELL is he doing?' Snake screamed in disbelief.

'WOO! Go for it!' Leon cheered.

Truck and human collided, bringing the wheeled death machine to a complete stop. Chris growled and _picked the truck up_ off its front wheels by the bumper.

Leon, Snake and Ashley's collective jaws hit the dirt.

'AIEEEE!' The driver of the truck just bailed out, screaming.

Chris huffed a bit and lowered the truck to the ground, safe and sound.

'Phew! Easy fellas…' He cooed at his rippling arm muscles.

Ashley glomped him immediately, starry-eyed and blushing furiously. To Chris, having a girl with two-black eyes, covered in dirt and grime from head-to-toe, and with her hair singed into a horrid black tangled mess, was enough to shatter his All-American Bravery.

'Chrissy! You so BIG!'

'Ah…AHH! AAARRGH! Don't touch my muscles!' He yelled, trying to throw the disgusting thing off to no avail. Apparently, his strength only worked on non-living things.

'Aight! Enough of this!' Leon interjected and pried them apart using his bolt-action rifle. 'We've wasted so much time already! Let's kick this into high gear!'

'You planning something smart for once?' Snake asked with crossed arms.

'Smart? No.' He paused, then a wickedly devilish grin crawled over his face. 'Awesome? Hell FUCKING YEAH!'

A brief intermission. Silence. The castle loomed ominously in the background. Then—

The same truck from before tore down the narrow passage, leaving two flaming trails in its wake. Leon was at the wheel, laughing maniacally, with Snake and Chris in the seats at his side cheering jubilantly. Ashley wasn't allowed on the leather, so her place was atop the trucks' tarp covered back; clawing at the fabric as the rest of her body flailed about like a filthy rag doll.

Along the way, an event was triggered; namely the one where the Ganado's appear at the door ready to chase someone down if the truck hadn't got them. The musical cue popped up, the Ganados popped up with their various weapons at the ready…only to see their beloved truck roaring over the hill and out of sight; its occupants laughing and yelling themselves stupid.

The ganados just stood there for a bit, looking mopey and dejected.

'Hijo de Puta! (Son of a bitch!) Don Manuel screamed.

Back at the truck, which was now rolling over the bridge, Leon was sitting forward as far as he could go, almost touching the front window with his nose as he gripped the wheel with gusto.

'Leon! BRO! You're the best!' Chris exclaimed; sticking his head out of the passenger window.

'Shut up.'

Despite being as far from an all-terrain vehicle as it could get, the dusty truck weaved in and out through the castles' outer passages with ease, even able to charge up flights of stairs no problem.

'What're we doing here!' Snake yelled over the roar of the engine.

'This castle is the extraction point!' He answered back.

'…You don't have a clue what you're doing, do you?'

Leon's grin grew wider.

'No I do not.' He then guided the truck to smash through a gigantic gate like a cannon. The zealots could only watch in shock as the vehicle continued to blaze through their defences like nothing. They didn't even get the chance to set up their stupidly outdated catapults.

Another door was smashed down, with the truck still miraculously able to fit in the tight corridors of the castle. Sparks kicked up on either side as the missile of American manliness carved its way through.

'Snake! Chris! Puzzle!' Leon ordered vaguely. His cohorts somehow understood what he meant, and stuck their arms out from both side passenger side windows. In unbelievably fluid movements, they yanked a pair of swords from mismatched moulds on the walls.

'Ready to solve the puzzle?'

'Let's do it, Leon!'

'I'm with ya, BRO!'

'…SHUT UP!'

Leon solved the puzzle by just ploughing through the wall into the next room. Snake and Chris used their swords to cleave the heads off the zealots the truck rolled past.

Suddenly, Luis appeared behind them, sprinting as fast as he could to catch up to the truck. Leon saw the secondary character in the side mirror, and pulled a sweet 180 drift to grind to a halt. He'd meant to scare the Spanish man by pretending to try and run him over, but Leon unfortunately stalled the engine.

Everyone in the truck let out a collective groan when Luis caught up and peered into the truck with an idiotic smile on his face.

'Hey! I've got somethin' for you guys!' He fumbled in his non-existent pockets for that something. 'Wha…ah…oh SHEET. I must've somehow dropped that something when I was running away from them.'

'Dropped what?' Ashley asked from atop the truck, still alive by some unholy curse.

'A drug that'll stop your plot-specific convulsions!'

'Oh, yeah. I'd completely forgotten about that. I feel just fine actually.' Leon mused.

'I like drugs!' Chris added. Everyone ignored him.

'You two are carriers, right?' He motioned towards Leon and Ashley. 'You've been coughing up blood, haven't you?'

'Nope.'

'Not from my mouth.'

Snake screwed his face up in disgust, thankful she wasn't allowed in the truck.

'Damn it, the eggs have hatched! We don't have much time…' Luis grumbled.

'What the hell is he talking about?' Snake asked. Leon just shook his head.

'I have to go back and get it…' Luis turned around and started to saunter away, but stopped awkwardly, shooting a quick glance at Ashley.

She seemed to realize what was expected of her. 'Let me come with you!'

'Good idea! Let's go, Ms Ballistics!' Luis beamed.

Ashley glared at him.

'Leon.' She said simply.

He revved the truck dangerously. Luis scampered away in a flash.

A short pause.

'I hate that man.' Chris exclaimed with a cheery grin.

'For once I agree with you.' Leon nods at him.

'Thanks, bro!'

Snake shook his head. 'Goddammit, Chris…'

Moving on, the mobile mass of manly muscle, crashed through another, albeit much larger door into the next area. Snake wondered how the thing was even holding together at that point.

A grand hall opened up in front of them, lit brightly by several torches and decorated with emblems all over the place.

Leon brought the truck to a slow cruise as he and passengers surveyed the area for signs of danger.

The silence was broken when a sinister laugh echoed out from far above. Leon braked and peered upward, as did Snake and Chris.

'I was starting to wonder when you might notice us…'

The height-challenged boss character started rambling.

Leon scrunched his face up, thinking hard.

'Truck huddle!' He hissed, and outlined a plan.

'…the eighth Castellan of this magnificent architecture…'

As Salazar was pacing, he briefly turned to his enraptured audience…only to see a truck flying right at his face.

Salazar and his two unmentioned guards screamed as the vehicle landed brutally in the balcony and flattened all of them in a storm of concrete and fire.

The truck rumbled forward with ceaseless momentum, smashing through more walls and passages uncontrollably.

In an impressive display of destruction, the truck _exploded _out of another wall; only this time there was no floor to carry it as the vehicle spun horribly in mid-air and crashed to the floor.

Coughing and retching, the occupants of the now-trashed truck pulled themselves from the wreck looking no worse for the wear. They were in some hedge-maze now apparently.

'Woo, what a ride.' Leon breathed. He approached the upturned truck and patted its flank gently. 'You did good, girl. You did real good.'

'What is this place? Also, Ashley is missing.' Chris remarked.

Elsewhere, a pair of smoking legs are planted into a crater on the ceiling.

'So she is.'

'Are we going to look for her?' Snake suggested.

'Hell-o! Hedge maze!' Chris pointed.

'Your argument is invalid.' Leon added.

Utilizing Chris' brute strength to tear apart walls of soft bushes, and also snagging two emblem things along the way, the three opened up the path to the next area; a lavish inconspicuous bedroom.

Leon cautiously entered first. He froze when something prodded him in the back and a sultry voice spoke up.

'Put your hands where I can seAHHHH!'

Ada Wong was promptly tackled to the floor by a huge stinking man covered in leaves and twigs.

'Careful! It's a WOMAN!' Chris screamed with wide eyes, smothering the much-smaller female with his huge frame.

'Mother of god, HELP ME!'

Snake complied by lifting Chris off her squirming form. As Ada stood up painfully from the attack, Leon approached her warily.

'Long time no see, Leon.' She purred. Unknown to her, Chris was still trying to tackle her, held back only by a tight headlock from Snake.

'Ada, so it is true…'

'True? About what?'

'You really are trying to shoehorn yourself into this story. And you're working with Wesker to that end.'

'I see you've been doing your homework.' She replied, slinking around slowly.

'Why Ada? Why couldn't you stay dead after I let you fall off that walkway?'

'Heh.' She smirked coyly. That is until her fancy glasses exploded on her face.

'EEEEYAAAHHH!'

Ada Wong fell in a heap onto the plush carpet, clutching her smouldering eye sockets.

Leon wondered what to do for a moment, then thought it best to just leave her there.

'Allrighty, let's go.' He marched onward without a care in the world. Snake followed, as did Chris but not before cracking Ada's skull with John Cena's Five Knuckle Shuffle on the way out.

Through the next few rooms, the trio battle their way through several zealots. Having spent all their ammo on Balls Mendez in the last chapter, and also not being limited to the laws of the video game world, they happily beat the crap out of their enemies with an assortment of martial arts techniques; Streets of Rage 2 style.

One wide open area had no enemies to fight unfortunately. The area below the one they were on had a most displeasing sight; Ashley's upper—and most annoying—half was poking out of a wall at the far end.

'I need your HALP!' She screamed shrilly. Thankfully, she was far enough away to avoid killing the three men with her voice.

'Right, I got this!' Leon exclaimed, hefting a Barret 50 Caliber rifle out of nowhere.

'The hell is the gun for?' Snake asks worriedly.

'Look!' Chris points suddenly.

Leon and Snake followed the meaty fingers' direction to see Luis Sera appear from a door at the opposite end.

'How the FUCK did you get here so fast?' Leon growls, glad to have another target for his rifle.

Luis utterly ignores the question, or flat out didn't hear it.

'Leon! I got it!' He exclaims, holding up a purple vial thing and a bottle of pills. Then he shifts strangely, next second a disgusting tentacle bursts through his chest violently.

'God DAMN this is the best game EVER!' Leon cheers.

Luis is lifted off the floor, still impaled. He drops the vial thing, which is caught by Saddler in sweet slow motion.

'Now that I have the sample, you serve me no purpose.'

Saddler hurls the Spaniard to the floor, then retracts his tentacle under his robe. No sex jokes were made.

'SADDLER!' Leon roars. '…That. Was. AWESOME!'

'My boy Salazar will make sure you follow the same fate.'

'Uhh, sorry. Killed him already. Used a truck.'

Saddler actually paused. 'Oh, well…shit.'

'I guess you have no choice but to fight us now, huh? Welp, let's get this over with.' Leon cracks his knuckles in anticipation. Snake and Chris step up beside him, posing like Charlies Angels.

Luis interrupts the kung fu showdown by not dying right away, instead speaking awfully clear for someone with mincemeat for internal organs.

'I…was a researcher…hired by Saddler…'

Leon groans overdramatically and saunters over to him, shoulders slumped with indifference.

'Oookay, let's get this over with.'

'He found out what I was up to…'

'Don't talk. No seriously, just stop. Like, forever.'

Luis tries to hand him a bottle of pills, which Snake takes instead, having at least a shred of decency towards a dying secondary character.

'Here, these should stop the growth of the parasite, and strengthen your hair with natural strength and beauty…'

Leon took insult at that. His hair was _perfect._

'The sample, Saddler took it. You have to get it back…'

'I'll do that right now!' Leon shouts and looks towards Saddler…only he wasn't there. 'Motherfucker…'

Luis was dead now. And in a touching display, Leon bent over the fallen man's body and yelled his name to the heavens.

'Luis! LUIIIIIIIS! You piece of shit! You let Saddler escape!' He screamed, throttling Luis' vest in absolute fury. 'EVEN IN DEATH YOU MOCK ME!'

Chris and Snake struggled to pull the raving lunatic away from the corpse.

'Relax! He can't annoy us now!' Snake reassured him, tugging with all his might.

'Take it easy, bro!'

After an uncomfortable tussle, the trio moved on; leaving Ashley trapped in the wall below. Unfortunately, once she realized they were gone, decided to free herself by shouting at the wall around her waist, which crumbled into dust immediately.

When Ashley was gone as well, the mezzanine and Luis Sera's corpse were left in peace…for about five seconds.

Hunnigan, still dressed as the merchant, approached the bloody body.

'They find you annoying do they? Well, that gives me one hell of an idea!'

Deranged laughter rang out in such a chilling hollow tone, signalling a hefty amount of dark foreshadowing…and the end of another episode.

X

**Resident Evil Talkshow!**

The lame logo flew across the screen with Windows 98 Movie Maker effects. The crowd once again cheered loudly as the camera panned around them and settled onto the two plush leather seats on stage. Hostess and Agent HUNK occupied the chairs, waiting patiently for the applause to die down.

'Welcome again to the RE Talk Show! My, it feels like such a long time since we've last seen each other. Was it worth the wait, I wonder? Whatever the case, I just hope it's still enjoyable up to this point. And to introduce our guest for today, here is once more, the Human Unit Never Killed aka Mr Death, HUNK!'

Loud cheers follow. Hunk shows zero response.

'Well, Mr Death. I hope you can understand why I chose you to be our special guest tonight.'

'….'

'That's right, you're quiet, cold as ice, and unlikely to cause much of a fuss.'

A piercing scream accompanies a figure bursting out of the Manhattan backdrop behind the two chairs.

The crowd gasps collectively, except for Chris in the front row who shrieks like a toddler and faints in his seat from shock.

The figure is none other than Jill Valentine, dressed in her fanservice pandering battle suit.

'How DARE you!' Jill points her finger menacingly at the hostess. Hunk just sits there, having not budged in the slightest even with the woman's grand entrance.

Hostess sighed heavily and rested her chin on her hands.

'What's wrong, Ms Valentine?'

'Why haven't you called me onto this show yet! This is the highest rating videogame-themed variety talk show in the 2:30 AM public access timeslot!'

'I didn't call you onto the show yet because you're NOT Jill Valentine.'

'What!'

'You have the same name, but the Jill we all know and love is a highly intelligent bombs disposal expert, master of picking locks, formerly of Delta Force, and all-round ass-kicking action girl. Not a blue-tights wearing pale blonde who became a ninja overnight.'

'I was being controlled by Wesker! My hair and skin changed because I was kept in stasis for almost a year!'

Hunk snorted at that.

'It just seemed like pointless character derailment.' Hostess adds. 'Why bring a Gray Fox into the mix?'

'J-just shut up! I should so izuna drop you!'

Hostess succumbed, far too tired to deal with everything.

'Allright fine, you wanna be on the show? There ya go! You made it. Happy now?'

Jill was at a complete loss for words. Hunk was even more silent, if that was possible. Chris began having incredibly loud night terrors from his seat.

'No! NO! YOU"RE NOT JILL! AIIEEEE!' He screamed and dove onto the stage, mouth frothing. Jill started cartwheeling away in panic, leaving through the hole in the background she had entered from. Chris simply barrelled through the entire wall headfirst.

'Hmm, well care to take us out again Mr Death?' Hostess offered with a twitchy smile.

Hunk sat unmoving, then slowly-_slowly _gave the most epic thumbs up ever.

'And there it is. Good night everyone!'


	11. Gecko! Gecko!

_AN: I love everybody. Seriously. Consider yourself loved. Enjoy!_

**Residual Meany 4**

_Gecko! Gecko!_

Deep in the stinking bowels of Saddler's Underground Fortress, the man himself sat upon his extravagant throne with pompous arrogance and self-worth etched into every one of the leathery wrinkles in his diseased face. To top it all off, he had a Ganado stick his most prized possession atop the wall opposite him; a gorgeous Ceremonial Headdress that had been passed down for eons in his family. A satisfied smirk snaked its way across Saddlers lips as the henchman he requested earlier appeared before him and knelt down discreetly on the lush red carpet.

'It seems Salazar has failed me…much faster than I had anticipated.' Saddler started, addressing the guest as much as himself. 'But no matter. Krauser! Go get the girl. And dispose of those three bi-curious men while you're at it!'

'Consider it done.' Krauser grumbled as he stood slowly; muscles almost exploding from his tight shirt as he did so.

Just as Krauser moved to leave the chamber, Saddler let out a raspy retch that stopped the man short. Turning to his temporary employer, Krauser witnessed Saddler sitting rigidly in his throne with his eyes almost bugging out of his head.

'Uhh, you ok-?'

Then Saddlers head fell off. A perfect slice had decapitated him and now the leader of Los Illuminados had his own severed head sitting in his lap.

There was movement everywhere. A shadow so swift and deadly that Krauser could barely track it. His soldier instinct kicked in and he took hold of his giant knife…or at least he tried to. Both his arms were resting dismally on the carpet at his feet, bleeding into the fabric with gusto.

'OH SH—'

Another staccato of silent cuts rips the very air around the traitorous American, seizing his body up in an instant before the whole mass simply _exploded _into a thick crimson soup of gore and beret.

Saddler and Krauser were deader than dubstep. And out of a dark corner emerged their killer; a tall imposing figure encased entirely in a light blue and orange armoured suit. The sinister eye slits and single optical circle on the bone white helmet completed the classic look.

'Where is my friend?' He wheezed out; his voice warped beyond all recognition, sounding more like the twisted vocabulary of a demented killer robot.

'Not here. We shall meet soon, however. But until then, I must wash this place away.'

The cyborg then hit a switch on his forearm, and immediately a seismic flurry of distant explosions rocked the room violently, but still the figure stood amidst the carnage unperturbed.

Even as flames began swallowing the room in a fiery blaze, the cyborg rattled out a cackling and remorseless laugh.

X

As the four heroes were moving through the castle a good half hour after Luis Sera's death, a sudden onrush of rumbling almost knocked them all off their feet. Their reactions were varied:

'What the Bingo?!' Leon screamed and throttled Ashley to the floor to keep his own balance. Ashley herself hit her head hard into the solid tile so badly that both the floor and her skull cracked in equal measures.

Snake stood his ground firmly. He'd had his fair share of bases exploding with him still inside so it was nothing new. He even managed to light a cigarette during the quakes.

Chris shrieked like a girl and attempted to pummel the floor into stopping, smashing up the already fragile tile further.

'Leon! BRO! What's happening?' Chris cried out, now punching the adjacent walls so hard that they collapsed in on themselves under the assault.

'The place is blowing up, meathead! We've got to get out of here! Snake!'

'What?!'

'Carry this sack of shit for me please!'

Before Snake could protest Leon simply took off running down the crumbling castle corridors. Snake swore and scooped up the bruised and battered girl and slumped her over his shoulder.

'Redfield! We're moving out!' He called back to the former S.T.A.R.S member, garnering a loud bark in response as Chris scampered towards him on all fours.

Another series of crushing explosions rang out; closer this time. The corridor behind the men started to cave in towards them rapidly so they bolted for their lives with all the speed and balance they could muster. Before they knew it, a bunch of robed Zealots emerged from opposing doorways and started running with them. A panicky glance was all they could offer, but it clearly showed that whatever was happening wasn't part of their plan.

Unfortunately for the Zealots, black and red robes didn't make for the best sprinting attire, so one after the other they all tripped over spectacularly and were swallowed screaming by the oncoming death cloud of falling debris.

'Leon! I hope you know where're you're going!' Snake roared out as he ran hard with Ashley's unconscious body flailing about from his back.

Leon didn't answer. Truth be told he had no idea what he was doing. The whole place was falling apart around him. But at least his hair was perfect, but for how long?

Regardless of any plan he might've concocted, it was all for naught when the very floor they stood upon simply crumbled away into nothing. Leon yelled out and made to grab something, _anything _to keep from falling. But to his horror, gravity took bitter hold of him and sent his whole body plummeting into the depths.

The falling stopped short when a pair of roided-out gorilla arms took hold of Leon before he could fall any further. Leon looked up at his saviour to see Chris' grizzled mug a little too close for comfort. Snake was riding piggy back on the BSAA soldier, having grabbed on at some point.

'Hang on, BRO!' Chris blared haughtily as he seemingly flew through the air at incredible speeds, outrunning the destruction still chasing them.

Chris moved even faster, even with the added weight of two fully-grown men and an annoying tramp. Then with another glorious burst of speed, Chris leapt into the air and _exploded _through a high concrete wall and sailed out into the starry midnight sky and past the moon like an overly muscular version of ET.

Everyone let out an epic scream as the castle behind them was shattered by one last Armageddon of an explosion that utterly obliterated the structure within a towering blast of red hot flame and smoke.

The sound of the eruption rang out across all Europe. As the shockwave fanned out a lone mass of figures could be seen rocketing out from it like a missile.

'AHHH! We're gonna fall! This is all your fault, Ashley!' Leon yelped as he gripped Chris' form tight, doing his best to keep from passing out from both vertigo and the larger man's awful body odour.

Ashley was still unconscious. The only thing keeping her from flying off elsewhere was a single hand grabbing her foot desperately. Snake used his free hand to grip the back of Chris' vest frantically lest he be flung off himself.

Leon dared a look below and felt his stomach turn as he saw the ground coming up to meet them far sooner than he'd expected. He braced for the impact.

'AIR FORCE!' Chris screamed shrilly.

Like a comet from some obscene corner of space, they landed hard in the middle of the first village in the game; kicking up a roiling tidal wave of dust that broke every window in that place and sent no fewer than three chickens to their doom.

Soon after a barrage of burning debris from the castle fell unto the village like hellfire; setting the whole place alight into an instant inferno. Whatever residents were left there simply abandoned their posts and ran off screaming into the night; their free will apparently restored with Saddler's death.

As the village burned, a tired and injured group of American's at the centre stood up groggily, baffled at their survival.

'What in the…? We're alive?' Leon coughed, gripping his abdomen gingerly with his hand. 'We fell like two thousand feet. I should be flat as an omelette.'

'Pancakes.' Snake appeared beside him, looking similarly battered. 'It's flat as a pancake you brain-dead moron.'

Chris was the last to get up, having taken a good share of the brunt of such a fall. He immediately cried out in surprise when he saw Ashley torpedoed into the ground head-first nearby. Wasting no time he sprinted to her side and began digging her out in the classic doggy shovelling manner.

'You'll be out soon!' Chris reassured her, digging away with reckless abandon.

'How'd we live from that fall?' Snake echoed Leon's concern. 'I know Redfield is a steroid abuser but that should've been impossible even for him.'

Leon wondered that too until he saw something at his feet that answered everything.

There was a lone Ganado lying flat on the ground, flat as an omelette. But it was what the guy was wearing that set off an immediate wave of catharsis in Leon's mind.

A jacket. _HIS _jacket. Looking no worse for the wear. Leon ripped out a glorious battle cry and tore it from the Ganado in a flash. Cue the "Jacket Scene" from Devil May Cry 3; Leon moved like a man possessed in a dizzying motion of perfectly choreographed dance moves before flinging both his arms into the inner sleeves of his beloved jacket in one magnificent movement.

Leon turned to the camera then, flicking his hair and posed like a badass; the very air around him crackling with energy.

'Leon!' Snake gasped in disbelief. Something incredible had taken place before him. Snake knew right away that the cowardly and line-flubbering dimwit from before was no more. Snake couldn't help but fall to his knees before the man—no the GOD…and his jacket.

Chris was frozen in sheer awe as well; his paws locked in mid dig and drooling from his gaping mouth.

'My god, it's BEAUTIFUL.' He breathed, eyes shimmering before the resplendent majesty he had witnessed.

Leon turned a bit, glancing back at his comrades with another flick of his hair.

'Someone's coming.' He said quietly.

At those words another figure landed hard in the ground at their front; armoured body coiled into a crouch from the impact. The cyborg slowly raised his head at the men assembled before him.

'How have you been, my dear friend?' It said cryptically, standing now with a long ninja sword in hand.

'Gray Fox! You're supposed to be dead…again!' Snake replied in alarm; his hand hovering over the handle of his Socom in its holster.

'We have a score to settle…LEON.'

'Huh?' Leon was confused for a moment, but when the cyborg's mask opened all became clear to him. The face staring back at him instantly lit his very soul aflame in fury. How? Why? How in all fuck was Luis Sera still alive?

'Luis.' Leon seethed, clenching his fists so tightly the leather in his gloves squeaked out a short symphony. 'Luis. LUIS. LUIIIIS! Get the fuck out of my game you HACK! You're an embarrassment to supporting characters everywhere!'

Cyborg Sera simply ignored Leon's outburst and held his sword ready. 'If you die. This will become MY game, amigo. Once all of you are dead I'll take the President's daughter, AND the Plagas sample I took from Saddler. I'll be a hero AND I'll be rich!'

'Fuck you.' Chris interjected with a grumble, ever the poet. 'Even Enrico is more popular than you, and he's been dead for longer than this game was released.'

'Decoy Octopus had more memorable lines than you, Sera.' Snake added venomously.

Sera's face contorted in girlish rage. 'Shut up! You guys are poop!'

The cyborg-Spaniard hybrid charged towards them then, signalling the start of a battle so epic that words alone were not enough to convey it properly.

'LUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!' Leon roared as he met Sera in a battle to decide the fate of all existence.

Jacket and cyborg collided as one as each combatant attacked the other ferociously, causing each hit to shockwave out and decimate whatever was left of the village. The continued force of their flurry of strikes was so strong that a tornado of pure energy pillared out from the centre of their battle, taking with it the combined debris of the village, the castle, the swamp, indeed every location in Resident Evil 4. Snake and Chris even joined the fray, jumping in whenever they could, even as Sera would knock them back hundreds of meters with a single punch.

At point, Leon and Sera exchanged such a blazing fast concerto of martial arts that they both rose out of the floor on large pieces of castle wall; twisting higher and higher as the power and merciless strength of their strikes rose beyond all human comprehension.

'I'm the star of this game! I've got the best Handgun in the game!' Sera spat, driving a million punches into Leon's face in the space of that one sentence.

At the last punch, Leon forced his head into Sera's fist, head-butting it hard and stopping the assault short.

'You're not even playable you sad piece of shit! And you're little turquoise vest looks SO stupid!'

Leon threw out a roundhouse kick so devastating that Pluto was thrown out of orbit. His shoe connected to the side of Sera's face, breaking apart his helmet and revealing a network of circuits and other assorted cyborg stuff.

Their strikes grew faster and faster, spiralling their onslaught ever higher into the sky. Even as both fighters broke the atmosphere and battled with the very Earth as the backdrop, neither one gave any concern as to the how's and why's, their fight was all that mattered.

CRACK! A stiff uppercut brutally lands on Leon's jaw.

CRUNCH! Leon's knee drives into Sera's gut; splintering apart his armour.

Sera weaves under another kick and pierces his sword through Leon's shoulder, causing the man to roar in agony.

Leon kicked Sera and his sword away, nursing the wound as best he could as the Cyborg floated nearby with a disgusting smile on his face.

'What's that? You giving up?'

Leon mumbled something, too quiet for Sera to hear.

'Come again?'

'…m.'

Sera floated a little closer.

'One more time?'

'Gum. I had gum.'

Leon rushed forward faster than time itself could fathom and punched Sera so hard in the face that the concussive impact brought Pluto back into orbit, but unfortunately not close enough to be considered a planet.

Leon then took Sera's back and flipped over so they hung upside down with both their heads pointed back to Earth.

'LEOOON! DON'T YOU DO IT!' Sera screamed in pitiful desperation.

Leon just grinned and flicked his hair.

'Adios.'

The two then plummeted back to Earth, puncturing through the ozone layer like sarin wrap. Flames consumed them as they fell faster and faster. Sera screamed loudly but was soon drowned out once he'd broken through the sound barrier.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Snake and Chris watched in amazement as a burning spear of justice fell from heaven.

'It's Leon!' Chris exclaimed, having abandoned his duty of digging Ashley out of the ground. 'He's doing a-'

'—suplex.' Snake finished his sentence, gazing up at the closing meteor of martial arts mastery.

Then, in the most absolute gut wrenching impact ever felt by mother Earth, Leon suplexed cyborg Sera into the dirt.

A literal mushroom cloud burst outwards and destroyed Sera completely. Chris braced against the force of the explosion as Snake shielded himself behind the man's muscles.

Finally, mercifully, the dust cleared.

And there stood Leon, seemingly unharmed. His jacket, awesome. His hair, perfect. And the absolute look of smugness on his face would never be topped.

'Leon! You did it!' Chris exclaimed happily, running forward in a bid to wrap Leon in a big gorilla hug.

A crushing spin kick and comatose Chris later, Leon looked to the camera again and said but a single sentence;

'Where's everybody gone, Bingo?'

=][=

_Three Days Later_

_The White House_

…_America_

'I want to give my sincerest thanks for bringing her back.' The President addressed his top agent from the other side of the desk in the Oval Office.

Leon stood proudly to attention, as did Snake and Chris at his sides. All three were wearing swanky military formal attire.

The President continued.

'Unfortunately, Ashley Graham is not my daughter. On the four and a half years it took you to complete the mission, I was elected as the new President. But at least the former President will be glad to have his daughter back.'

Elsewhere in some expensive estate, former President Graham stared in abject shock at what was left of his daughter. Her clothes and skin were scorched. Her hair a tangled mess with big patches simply missing. And to top it off, she had lost all motor functions…including the ability to speak.

With that, Mr Graham looked up to the ceiling in tears and whispered:

'Thank you, Agent Kennedy.'

Back at the Oval Office, the new President gave the three heroes every medal that a soldier who destroyed a third of Europe could acquire. And as a final thanks, awarded each of them a sweet Dune Buggy and clearance to drive it around the White House whenever they wanted.

After the small celebration was over, each of the men exchanged a few words with each other.

'Snake. Thanks for helping me out.'

'Anytime, Leon.' Snake replied gruffly and clasped their hands together in a manly forearm shake.

Chris was next, who was momentarily amazed by the shine in his new medals until Leon spoke up.

'Chris. You saved all of us back there when the castle exploded. If there was any story to be passed on that condoned steroid abuse, then you would be it.'

Chris Redfield's eyes watered up as his bottom lib blubbered dramatically.

The two shared a genuine hug, as both their tears and muffled words of gratitude and respect cascaded between them.

When the goodbyes were finally over with, the three went their separate ways. But before Leon left the Oval Office itself, the President called out to him.

'Leon, I know I've only known you for seven minutes, but I feel a deep friendship growing between us.'

'…Kay.' Leon raised a curious eyebrow.

'I want you at my side from now on. There's a several things in this world that must change.' The President spoke as he took the typical "Stare out the window of the Oval Office while giving a speech" pose. 'And I need a man like you to help me do that.'

'Yessir!'

'First order of business, I need to give a speech at Tall Oaks Academy. To announce to the world the truth about Raccoon City…'

=][=

**Resident Evil Talk Show**

The curtains open once more to the only videogame themed talk show on basic cable. Things were a little more festive on that particular airing. There were various decorations adorning the stage and seating area proper. Streamers of every colour, helium balloons, and even several BOW piñatas filled with assorted candy and G-Virus samples.

On the stage proper was every guest character who had previously appeared on the show.

Leon, smirking boyishly at the camera and giving a dual thumbs up every two seconds.

Ada winking seductively at every male in the audience.

Ashley attempting to breakdance as Saddler threw down some kick ass beat boxing.

Hunk doing nothing.

Krauser transforming and reverting his arm over and again, screaming 'Witness the Powah!' every time.

Wesker looking awesome, wearing a sign around his neck that read: I HAVE NO SON.

Chris in a speedo, his whole body lathered in massage oil; flexing in various Greco-Roman poses.

Jill, dressed as a ninja, cartwheeling all over the place.

Sheva, her chair empty with a card sitting on it with the words "Back NEVER", written on it in bold print.

And finally, the Hostess herself, sitting meekly as the crowd cheered loudly for the various RE Heroes arrayed before them.

She said nothing, simply smiling at the camera before bowing in thanks and gratitude. It was the last episode after all. Nothing needed to be said.

Except…

'Thank you all. Thank you.'

**=][=**

**Bloody Freaking END**


End file.
